It Wasn't Me, It Was You

Yesterday was by far the worst day in my life as in the afternoon, out of the blue, my ex boyfriend's sister in law skyped me and we had this so called normal conversation when she started it with asking how am I and stuffs. So yeah, deep inside my heart, as I was never have any bad feeling toward anybody, specially not her, then I answered her skyping thing. I mean, we were kind of closed before when my ex and I are still together. As two outsiders entering one same family, we built a bonding like no others. We were besties.

Then of course, when the conversation started to get a little bit more personal and she asked what happened between my ex and me, I had no hesitation to tell her my feeling about all of the drama that happened. I truly believe that everything was back to normal now as she was the one who contacted me first, out of nowhere. After all, the separation was more than a year ago so for sure I believe that everyone was moved on already as I did.

But NOPE, apparently that didn't happen yesterday. She, for the reason that I don't even know why, started her accusation on me. Yeah, she was literally attacked me with her words without even considered my feeling. I mean, am not a type of girl who can confronted others. Hey, that was the reason why I write at first place. To express my feeling without having any confrontation with others. So having someone bombarded me with words after words really was hurting me in a definition that I couldn't even describe. I was literally in tears.

But luckily for me, yesterday I talked with a dear friend who comforted me in many ways. I mean, maybe no one knows about this, but these whole times I did blame myself for everything that happened. I know for worse that I didn't have enough patience to deal with our situation, especially his. I was by far the selfish one in that relationship and I was never denied that fact, not ever once. But, for her to attacked me with her words was, for me, beyond acceptable. I mean, she doesn't even know half of my life with my ex hence she knows nothing about the situation whatsoever. True, from the outside, people would see me as the guilty part but haven't even once came out in their mind that I was actually hurt as well with these whole things surrounded us? Just because I was the one who asking for the separation doesn't mean that I was happy as soon as it happened. Not at all. I was hurting as much as everyone else involved but was that bad if I decided to moved on sooner?

For those who know me might not found this as a surprise at all as you guys probably knew already that I don't think with my heart but my head. I choose common sense over feeling hence appeared to be such of cold bloody heartless to everyone. But hey, that was just me and am not going to explain myself to anyone's satisfaction here. After all, I am what I am and you are what you are. I never asked anyone to explain themselves to me as much as am not going to do so. Besides, I chose to keep only good things in me and determined to forget about bad things. And if I about to kiss and tell the whole problems that my ex and me had between us that means that I have to spill all the details about us, badly. And for real that was not a good idea at all.

So yeah, blame me for moving on so quickly, blame me for having a gut to make a first move to leave when things were going south, blame me for not showing tears in front of others, blame me for everything I don't regret did. But in my defend, I live my life forward, not backward. And hate me in any way you want but one thing for sure that am done blaming myself for everything. Am done saying, "It was me" because it was actually you more than me. Then yeah, I'll see you up front whenever you are ready, because there where am heading to.

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Every Day I'm Shufflin'!

Maybe many of you guys wonder what is shuffle dance? From the information I got around, Shuffle dance was originally a Malaysian tribal dance but the teenagers have adapt it as a street dance. The shuffle dance then mostly popular at Australia and it is known as "The Melbourne Shuffle".

The Melbourne Shuffle (also known as Rocking or simply The Shuffle) is a rave and club dance that originated in the late 1980s in the underground rave music scene in Melbourne, Australia. The basic movements in the dance are a fast heel-and-toe action with a style suitable for various types of electronic music. Some variants incorporate arm movements. People who dance the shuffle are often referred to as rockers, due in part to the popularity of shuffling to rock music in the early 1990s.

Shuffle dance today is popularly known as 'shuffling' has derived its significance from overseas DJs, party goers, visitors and the media trying to describe its phenomenon. Today, shuffle dance has evolved to become one of the most dance forms across the world. To make the dance easy, some dancers sprinkle talcum powder on the floor beneath their feet, making them glide more easily. It also helps in incorporating the 360 degree spins or jumps into their moves.

Shuffling originated from 'Stomping', which in turn originated from previous historical Celtic dances. Stomping originally incorporated tap and traditional ballet - style foot shuffling. The clog and sword dance can easily be matched to some earlier experimental rave and club dance moves that evolved into Stomping.

Dance is a beautiful medium of expression and Shuffle dance is gaining increasing popularity because of its 'easy to do' steps.There are various styles of dance present all over the world, which reflect the culture of the place they are born in. One such style is the shuffle dance, bearing a strong resemblance to the jazz style of the early years.  While the previous style had only heel and toe movements, variations were added to it at later stages. Amongst the numerous variations incorporated in the dance format were hand movements. The techno music, which was used earlier, was replaced with trance music and house music. However, the heel-and-toe action has remained the prime key to the dance form.

In the late '80s, the Melbourne Shuffle began to emerge as a distinct dance, incorporating more hand movement than its predecessor, Stomping. Break-beat and techno music was gradually replaced with the more hardcore forms of rave music, such as hard trance. When b-boys started attending Shuffling dance events, they brought in their own set of hip hop dance moves, for example, the running man and gliding. Ever since these hip hop influences became predominant, the Melbourne Shuffle has also been practiced outside of raves (a characteristic of hip hop dance culture). Where the Melbourne Shuffle was originally danced, the places were not considered to be named 'raves', but rather 'dance parties'.

After being quietly disappear from the scene in early to mid 2009, the dance was shown again in media such as YouTube and stuffs hence became a phenomenon within dancing people in the world. On June 21, 2011, the American electro-hop duo LMFAO released the album Sorry for Party Rocking which a single from that album, Party Rock Anthem (#1 on the US charts), makes multiple references to "shuffling" (The phrase, "Every day I'm shufflin" is heard two times in the song). The music video spoofs the UK movie 28 days later, with the dance being performed by a large group of people "infected" by the beat.

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From Buddha With Love

So my journey on searching God was continue to the level where am interested on this belief called Buddha. In Theravada Buddhism, the term Buddha refers to one who has become enlightened through his own efforts and insight, without a teacher to point out the Dharma. A samyak sambuddha teaches the dhamma to others after his awakening. A pratyeka-buddha also reaches Nirvana through his own efforts, bur does not teach the dhamma to others. An Arhat needs to follow the teaching of a Buddha to attain Nirvana, but can also preach the dhamma after attaining Nirvana. In one instance the term buddha is also used in Theravada to refer to all who attain Nirvana, using the term Sāvakabuddha to designate an Arhat, someone who depends on the teachings of a Buddha to attain Nirvana. But why Buddha?

Every living being has the same basic wish – to be happy and to avoid suffering. Even newborn babies, animals, and insects have this wish. It has been our main wish since beginning-less time and it is with us all the time, even during our sleep. We spend our whole life working hard to fulfill this wish. Since this world evolved, human beings have spent much time and energy improving external conditions in their search for happiness and a solution to their many problems. And so do I, but what has been the result? Instead of their wishes being fulfilled, human suffering has continued to increase while the experience of happiness and peace is decreasing. This clearly shows that we need to find a true method for gaining pure happiness and freedom from misery. And here when I found out about Buddha. But, who is Buddha?

Siddhartha Gautama was born about 583 BCE, in or near what is now Nepal. His father, King Suddhodana, was leader of a large clan called the Shakya. His mother, Queen Maya, died shortly after his birth. When Prince Siddhartha was a few days old, a holy man prophesied the Prince would be either a great military conqueror or a great spiritual teacher. King Suddhodana preferred the first outcome and prepared his son accordingly. He raised the boy in great luxury and shielded him from knowledge of religion and human suffering. The Prince reached the age of 29 with little experience of the world outside the walls of his opulent palaces. One day, overcome with curiosity, Prince Siddhartha asked a charioteer to take him on a series of rides through the countryside. On these journeys he was shocked by the sight of an aged man, then a sick man, and then a corpse. The stark realities of old age, disease, and death seized and sickened the Prince. Finally, he saw a wandering ascetic. The charioteer explained that the ascetic was one who had renounced the world and sought release from fear of death and suffering. 

For a time the Prince returned to palace life, but he took no pleasure in it. Even the news that his wife Yasodhara had given birth to a son did not please him. The child was called Rahula, which means "fetter." One night he wandered the palace alone. The luxuries that had once pleased him now seemed grotesque. Musicians and dancing girls had fallen asleep and were sprawled about, snoring and sputtering. Prince Siddhartha reflected on the old age, disease, and death that would overtake them all and turn their bodies to dust. He realized then that he could no longer be content living the life of a prince. That very night he left the palace, shaved his head, and changed his prince's clothes for a beggar's robe. Then he began his quest for enlightenment.

As a normal human being gifted with curiosity, my journey on searching my almighty lead me to this interesting human being who later became one of the most influential people in the world. The number of Buddha's followers gradually increased. Nobles, Brahmins and many wealthy men became his disciples. Buddha paid no attention to caste. The poor and the out-castes were admitted to his order. Those who wanted to become full members of his order were obliged to become monks and to observe strict rules of conduct. Buddha had many lay disciples also. Those lay members had to provide for the wants of the monks. Every Buddhist monk takes a vow, when he puts on the yellow robe, to abstain from killing any living being. Therefore, a stay in one place during the rainy season becomes necessary. Even now, the Paramahamsa Sannyasins (the highest class of renunciations) of Sankara's order stay in one place for four months during the rainy season (Chaturmas). It is impossible to move about in the rainy season without killing countless small insects, which the combined influence of moisture and the hot sun at the season brings into existence.

Okay, don't get me wrong, am still pretty much a Moslem and have no intention whatsoever to converted to Buddhism. No. For me, Buddhism is not just a religion but also an philosophy. Buddhism believes in Karma and Rebirth. Karma specifically refers to those actions (of body, speech, and mind) that spring from mental intent ("cetana"), and which bring about a consequence (or fruit, "phala") or result ("vipāka"). Rebirth refers to a process whereby beings go through a succession of lifetimes as one of many possible forms of sentient life, each running from conception to death. Buddhism rejects the concepts of a permanent self or an unchanging, eternal soul, as it is called in Hinduism and Christianity. According to Buddhism there ultimately is no such thing as a self independent from the rest of the universe (the doctrine of anatta). Rebirth in subsequent existences must be understood as the continuation of a dynamic, ever-changing process of "dependent arising" ("pratītyasamutpāda") determined by the laws of cause and effect (karma) rather than that of one being, transmigrating or incarnating from one existence to the next.

Practicing Buddhist ethics or what known as Śīla in day to day life was what I found interesting. Śīla (Sanskrit) or sīla (Pāli) is usually translated into English as "virtuous behavior", "morality", "ethics" or "precept". It is an action committed through the body, speech, or mind, and involves an intentional effort. It is one of the three practices (sila, samadhi, and panya) and the second pāramitā. It refers to moral purity of thought, word, and deed. The four conditions of śīla are chastity, calmness, quiet, and extinguish.

Śīla is the foundation of Samadhi/Bhāvana (Meditative cultivation) or mind cultivation. Keeping the precepts promotes not only the peace of mind of the cultivator, which is internal, but also peace in the community, which is external. According to the Law of Karma, keeping the precepts are meritorious and it acts as causes which would bring about peaceful and happy effects. Keeping these precepts keeps the cultivator from rebirth in the four woeful realms of existence.

Śīla refers to overall principles of ethical behavior. There are several levels of sila, which correspond to "basic morality" (five precepts), "basic morality with asceticism" (eight precepts), "novice monkhood" (ten precepts) and "monkhood" (Vinaya or Patimokkha). Lay people generally undertake to live by the five precepts, which are common to all Buddhist schools. If they wish, they can choose to undertake the eight precepts, which add basic asceticism.

Two things I captured about Buddhism philosophy were peace and love. In every segmentation I can absorb the feeling of calmness. And another thing that I admire so bad was how Buddha gave up his privileges to devoted to what he believes. Today I've seen some clerics on telly doing commercial things which disgusted me so bad. I mean, come on...if you were a cleric, the last thing you supposed to do was being commercial. And here where Buddha was everything that am looking for in a teacher. I believe him for what he taught others because he lives in his words. But no, I don't say that my journey on searching God is going to stop here, not at all. My feet are still moving forward, seeking and wandering around until the day I die and that's a fact.

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Sources : Wikipedia and The Life of the Buddha by Barbara O'Brien

Life Without Macallan

As you guys probably know that it was two years already since I lost my beloved little buddy Macallan who died over cyanide poison which carelessly placed by some irresponsible people targeted street dogs. Two years I lost half of my soul which die with him and I believe was taken to a pet heaven now. For anyone who didn't know who Macallan was, let me tell you how did this bonding started. Few years back when I moved to Bali following my then boyfriend, a dear friend gave us a puppy for a house warming gift. It was a super cute miniature pinscher with black and tan colors. Commonly people named those kind of colors dogs Whiskey but my then boyfriend and I had a different idea. We want his name to be specific and the first thing that came in to our mind was Macallan, a specific brand of Whiskey which my then boyfriend love and collect. Then later on I found out that Macallan was also the most expensive brand of whiskey ever made. There you go!

Ever since Macallan becoming part of our life, I found love and compassion in a different level. He was my first own dog and love was no way near to describe my feeling towards him. He was my buddy. I would rather sleep with him than with anyone else. Yeah, you can say that he was my bed warmer alright. Imagine my life after he died was beyond miserable. I literally losing grip more than I can explain when the tragedy happened as I wasn't even in the island at that time, I was in my shopping trip to Singapore when my maid called telling about the incident and seriously, I felt like I was the one who died. I was hysterical hence my then boyfriend thought that it was one of my parents who died. Yeah, that bad.

And now am remembering him in a sad way but I think am capable to move on now. This morning, a neighbor's dog came to my villa and stay with me until noon and I loved him. He was a Kintamani dog who has half wolf in his blood. So cool. He actually made me realized that maybe it's time for me to have another dog. Yeah, am so ready. Life with Macallan was awesome and for sure life after Macallan will be too if I willing to open my heart to another little buddy. I miss canoodling to a warm furry body of him. I miss his kiss every morning waking me up. I miss my Macallan.

So, as per today two years ago, I was at the Blue Ocean beach with my dear Dutchies bringing my sweet little buddy's ashes to his last journey to heaven, a pet heaven in this case. I was so grateful that I had friends to accompanied me in that such of horrible moment. I was holding to his ashes for so long just because I couldn't let him go. Until one day my landlady, a sweet Chinese lady, told me that I had to let him go so he can reach his last destination. Holding his ashes was only made his journey even more miserable and that wasn't good for him. So yeah, I then let him go.

But today, no I mean just now, when am laying down in my bed about ready to close my eyes, suddenly his image came in to my mind. The image of a guapo dog that had been with me, slept next to me for over eight years. I, for some unbelievably reasons, believe that he was somehow here with me now. I can even hear his heavy breath inhale and exhale on my ear. He is definitely here with me. Oh Macallan, how I love you! Life without you was suck!

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To my Dutchies JJ, Nacer, and the Goat..thanks for being there for me!!

Welcoming 2012

Alright, for some people 2012 might going to be a disaster as they believe that world is finally come to the end following the Mayan doomsday's prediction, BUT, I personally never really buy it. I mean, yeah if I ever going to believe of anything, there are a variety of popular beliefs about the year 2012. These beliefs range from the spiritually transformative to the apocalyptic, and center upon various interpretations of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Contemporary scientists have disputed the apocalyptic versions. So now this leaves room for speculation. Other people say that this is the time when the sun will move from its place and relocate itself in a certain position that will enable it to serve as a gateway. This said gateway should be the gateway between two worlds. The world of the souls and the material world will meet. They say that in this faithful day, the darkness will vanish and we will leave in peace and prosperity. Another prediction is that this will be the end of the world, the end of human existence. Speculators say that this will be the day where earth faces destruction. There are so many predictions that are said to happen in 12-21-2012. One prediction claims the earth will collapse due to having collided with a black hole. Another prediction says that on this day we will experience the full effects of global warming, and all of the lands will be submerged in water and the Earth will experience another ice age just as scientists claimed that it has occurred a few millions of years ago. Others say that we will be struck by a meteor, while some say that there will be a huge earthquake and a mega tsunami. There are also those who believe that it will be a positive change as opposed to what others have claimed. They said that it will be a time for spiritual transformation. It will be the day when good finally defeats evil. They say that people will undergo a deep spiritual transformation. People will start to turn away from their misdoing and change their ways. So, what to believe?

Now here are two opposing views on this said event. Nothing is certain, no one really knows what the Mayans have predicted or what they saw. There is not even a clear view given as to why they Mayan calendar stopped on that date. One thing is clear, this ancient calendar, although old as it may seem, has resurrected itself in the midst of this modern world. It has caught the imagination of the people and caused them to panic, fear, jubilation, and wonder. With that, it truly is an amazing invention.

So guys, are you prepared for an emergency?

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Problem Or Solution, Which Part Are You Of?

One of the most common misconception about love is the idea that dependency is love. I still remember when I broke up with my ex boyfriend last year, he said that he was forced to leave Bali as he couldn't stay in the island anymore if he wasn't with me and everyone looked at me as a b*tch at that time. I was seriously like confused and started to think that I actually was. I mean, it felt so wrong that I didn't even feel any guilt whatsoever for our failures. My opinion back then was that when you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual and I refused to be one. So it's not that I wasn't felt any dependency on him at all but I protected myself from feeling one. There is a choice, a freedom involved in my definition of relationship and it is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is a free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with other. So when my then boyfriend said that he couldn't bear himself living in the same town with me while we were separated, I found that a little bit unacceptable.Okay, I admitted it that I was kind of selfish and probably one of the most heartless people in the entire planet, but I won't lie and pretend that I also can not live my life without him because I totally can. Am sad for sure but I didn't have time to cry so sue me.

Okay, as M. Scott Peck wrote on his book The Road Less Traveled, I do believe that love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. Peck defines love as, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the spiritual growth of another. I seek to differentiate between love and cathexis. Cathexis is what explains attractions to the opposite sex, the instinct for cuddling pets and pinching babies' cheeks. However, cathexis is not love. All the same, true love cannot begin in isolation, a certain amount of cathexis is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love. Once through the cathexis stage, the work of love begins. It is not a feeling. It consists of what you do for another person. Love is as love does. It is about giving the other person what they need to grow. It is about truly knowing and understanding them. And that is what love does for me. So as for my defense, I chose to gave up on our relationship simply because I don't want to be a parasite for him. I have so many plans in life that I need to achieve but with him everything didn't seem that important anymore. Things are there served to me on a silver plat. And at the end of the day, I found myself lost in privileges.
"Life is difficult", was never an option when I was with him. I was never attest to the fact that life was never meant to be easy, and that it is nothing but a battlefield of problems. Taking responsibility for my problems  is perhaps the most difficult. Only by accepting the fact that I have problems  and can I solve them. An attitude of ‘I have someone to clean up my mess’ will not take me anywhere. But it was the words of Eldridge Cleaver, “If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem”, hold good for me and open my eyes to eventually reached the decision to left my so called privilege life. I was at the end realized that maybe I wasn't part of the solution that we continuously had when we were together, maybe I was part of the problem, hence to solve me as a problem then I should left and gave myself and him spaces to breathe. I remember one once said to me that, "In your moment of darkness allow fresh air to fill your lungs with hope.Your spirit will do the rest. Breath." But how can someone breathe if there was another one there to block his or her view. So yeah, call me an evil because am consistently self deceiving, with the intent of avoiding guilt and maintaining a self image of perfection but as a part of solution, I also forced to made an action to saved us. Look at us now, even though I was struggling in every inch of my life and in the other hand, he still couldn't accept that we're not belong together anymore but at least we're now taking our own responsibilities in every decision we made. And there was nothing more meaningful for me than giving away my dependency on someone and started to see my life as my own. So from the four stages of spiritual development, am currently at fourth stage. It is the stage where an individual starts enjoying the mystery and beauty of nature and existence. While retaining skepticism, one starts perceiving grand patterns in nature and develops a deeper understanding of good and evil, forgiveness and mercy, compassion and love. This is the stage of loving others as yourself, losing your attachment to your ego, and forgiving your enemies. Ah, life is eventually beautiful!

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I Ain't Say She's A Gold Digger

For these past few days I was holding myself back tried not to say anything about the separation of Kris Humphreys and Kim Kardashian that buzzing off the news ever since she announced that she filed for divorce beginning of this week after 72 days together (yup, believe it or not but everybody was counting!). Suddenly their fairy tale wedding reported cost 20 million dollars doesn't sound so extravagant anymore. Many people accused them for having a hoax wedding but many of them sent their sympathy as well. And yeah, I can't help myself anymore. I mean, come on, she's one of the Kardashians, of course I have to say something. I love her!

Okay, first let me emphasize one thing to everyone here, how the heck does anyone could have a hoax wedding when it published in front of million viewers in the world without embarrassing themselves? Even the lowest intelligent person in the world won't do that, so yeah, for Kim, one of the most recognize people in the world and the highest self making money of the Kardashians, it was kind of stupid to commit such a mistake like that, wasn't it? Exactly. So, what went wrong with their marriage?

Okay, am not a psychiatrist but am an observer and my observation lead me to some conclusions. Had an ex boyfriend who verbally abused me before made me believe that it was only a matter of time until Kim realized how jerk Kris is. For example when Kim said that her business consideration forced her to keep her last name as Kardashian, he was like, "Baby, by the time we have kids and they went to school, no one will recognize you anymore. Four years ago you were only a girl selling dresses on the valley and now suddenly you're a princess?" Bible, honestly, by that moment I knew this won't last forever. My own experience told me that if a guy doesn't know how to appreciate what we were doing, he doesn't deserve us. I did try to justify the abuse before by kept on saying how I loved him, but it was only a matter of time until someone or something open our eyes about the situation. Because believe me, if he has a gut to say it out loud in front of camera, he won't have any problem doing it behind it. And it probably even worse.

Kim is a very successful person, whether she got her celebrity status by her talent or appearance, it doesn't matter. But the only thing that matter is, if he love her just like what he claimed himself, he supposed to respect her from every angle. Alright, I get it that he is a snarky type of person, but he was the one who proposed to her and asked her to marry him? Did he really think that he could marry someone then underestimated her? I mean, of course, as a guy it will crash his ego to have a wife who makes more money than he does hence refused to change her last name to his, but doesn't he know that if his ego was that big then he supposed to marry a college girl who would be more than happy to look up to him and went down his knee, for sure. But you can not marry someone who is larger than life, na-ah!

Remember in one of the Keeping Up With The Kardashians episodes when Kris mention about how Khloe changed her last name to Odom following her husband Lamar's and he wanted Kim to went down to him just like her sister? Well, let me underline a few things here for you Mr. Humphreys. First, Lamar treats Khloe like a princess while you doesn't even accept the fact that Kim is one. Second, Lamar plays for the Lakers while you were only play for the Nets. Third, Lamar bought Khloe a 4 million dollars mansion to live in while you were asking Kim to live in your unacceptable bachelor pad. Fourth, Khloe doesn't even make half of what Kim does so you go figure! And fifth, you can't be a bitch as well when you enter an estrogen Klan.

I know many of the haters out there were questioning many things including the expensive gifts they have received on their wedding day but one thing for sure that none of the guests that gave the gifts asked about that. I mean, they don't even care. Then why do people like John Legend and Andy Cohen who were not even invited to the wedding thought that they have a right to do so? How pathetic! Guys, you were just jealous so get a life, will you? I mean, come on, leave my girl and her estranged family alone! You don't even know what really was going on inside her marriage to this sharp tongue ungrateful guy whatsoever so say nothing! And to Kris Humphreys, one advice from me, if you really do love your wife and determine to keep your marriage, you have got to earn it. Actions speak louder than words, dude!

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Recycling Oh No!

Did anyone watch Fashion Police last weekend when Joan Rivers busted the real life “Cruella De Vil” herself, the editor-in-chief of Vogue America Anna Wintour, for wearing the taffeta print cocktail dress from Balenciaga's 2012 Resort collection in four different occasions for the past two months? Okay, maybe she loves the dress so much, maybe the dress has some kind of historical value for her, or whatever, but for a fashion icon like her, it was beyond unacceptable. I mean, come on, doesn’t she know that the first four points of 7 deadly sins of fashion was ‘to not wearing the same outfit more than once on public appearances’? And she was, claiming herself as the most powerful person in fashion industry but committed the worst crime ever. Oh no, what was she thinking when she put that dress on? Like, seriously Anna!

Remember when Kate Middleton caught wearing the same outfit for a number of public appearances and people started buzzing out about it and she was like, "There's nothing wrong with recycling," Um...yeah Kate, you were absolutely right. But Kate was nothing like Anna. She was just a next door girl who happened to marry a prince hence becoming a sudden fashion icon for any young girl living their dreams that someday they might marry their princes as well. Anna was nothing like that, there was nothing 'next door' about her whatsoever. In fact, she was the one who defines what fashion and what not. She was Cruella De Vil of fashion! She has often been the target of animal rights organizations like PETA, who are angered by her use of fur in Vogue, her pro-fur editorials and her refusal to run paid advertisements from animal rights organizations. Undeterred, she continues to use fur in photo spreads, saying there's always a way to wear it. Nobody was wearing fur until she put it on the cover in the early 1990s. She ignited the entire industry. Though am not with her in this fur issue, but the way she deal with it was caught my attention from the beginning. She won my respect on how grace and classy she was on responding to this matter.

As a girl, I looked up to her as my fashion guru, all the long way until I saw her committed such a shameful mistake that hard for me to even digested it. So disappointed. Even me never wear the same outfit twice in any public appearance though am not a fashion icon whatsoever. I mean, any girl would consider that as a felony and deserves humiliations. I remember my ex-boyfriend and I used to argued whenever we got invited to some kind of occasions and I was like freaking out about what should I wear and he would like, "Darling, you've got the biggest wardrobe in the entire planet full of nice clothes, what are you talking about?" I then would like, "Yeah, but I wore them all already! Hello?" Men...they all are so typical, what they know anyway? My two rules of fashion are 'to not wearing the same outfit twice' and 'to not wearing any similar outfit with others in one occasion.' I, personally, consider those as unforgivable crimes. That is why I opened a shop at first place, so I can have the whole candy shop for myself whenever I need it and avoid the humiliation. Ha!

Okay, back to the extraordinary Ms. Wintour, as I said before, through the years she has come to be regarded as one of the most powerful people in fashion, setting trends and anointing new designers. She has often been described as a perfectionist who routinely makes impossible, arbitrary demands of subordinates: "kitchen scissors at work", in the words of one commentator. Because of her position, her fashion statements often closely scrutinized and imitated and her influence extends outside fashion. After her former personal assistant, Lauren Weisberger, wrote the 2003 best selling roman à clef The Devil Wears Prada, later made into a successful film starring Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly, a fashion editor widely believed to be based on her, she often described as emotionally distant. She was never tolerate flaws. So yeah, now I hope you guys can see where did my disappointment come from. For someone like her, it was so unforgivable and deserved humiliations. Even though the sin had proved to us that she was a human afterward and it was kind of relieving to know that, but still, shame on you, Anna! Shame on you!

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Love Is A Mother (A Poem)

Love is a smile
On a wrinkle wise face whenever she sees me
Love is a laughter
No matter how lame the jokes I deliver
Love is an advice
The wise words came out of her mouth
Love is a mode
When she criticized my fashion statement
Love is a perfume
A sweet smell of her aromatherapy candles
Love is a chef
When she cooked all of those lovely meals
Love is a witch doctor
When she cure my fever just by holding me in her arms
Love is a song
The lullaby she sang when I was a baby
Love is a book
A story book children she read to put me in bed
Love is a fairy tale
Where I always be her beautiful princess
Love is an arrow
Shots from her heart just to protect me
Love is the teary eyes
That she hide from me no matter how hard
Love is a gentle touch
An amazing feeling whenever she kisses me
Love is a forgiveness
No matter how bad I treated her
Love is a pray
The blesses she praise every single day

But love is never an anger
And love doesn't recognize temper
Because love is a soothing calmer
Because love is a mother

^_^

Dedicated to the toughest woman in the world, my dear mother...happy birthday, mum!! I love you loooooooooong time!!

If I Was A House (A Poem)

If I was a house
I want to be built on a cliff
On a solid rock faces the ocean
Just listening to the wind..

If I was a house
I want to be built on love
Doesn't have to be big, doesn't have to be fancy
Just have got to be peaceful

If I was a house
I want to be built on sunset
I want to be built under the rain
When the sky is red and the ground is wet

If I was a house
I want to be built where my soul is
I want to be built where my heart is
I want to be built where my mind is

If I was a house
Here where I want to be built
On a solid rock faces the ocean
Just listening..just listening..

Bali, September 9th, 2011

I Don't Know His Last Name

Alright, please tell me if this doesn't sound funny to you guys, because honestly, I found it hilarious. A few months after I broke up with my ex, I met a guy in a bar when my little brother took me out for partying with his friends. The situation was so coincidental. I wasn't in a party mood at that time and there he was, stood by the bar by himself and coincidentally our eyes caught each other and the rest was history. Turned out he was there to meet his friend but found the guy was too busy chasing girls in the club while he wasn't in to it. As we're at a same stage that night, we then made ourselves a sweet bondage and when the night over, we swap phone numbers. Come on, I was in a friendly mood because of the amount of alcohol I consumed and he wasn't that bad after all. In fact, he was kind of decent actually.

The next day he text me like no others asked me out to dinner or something, but of course, I refused. I mean, it's not that I was playing hard to get but I barely knew him and I wasn't sure if I can trust my judgmental skill on guys when I was drunk, so yeah...I'd rather passed the offer. After a while and bunches of texts, I found him quite charming then decided to gave him a shot. He was in a processed of divorcing his wife and am single so what the heck. The most important thing was that we both were not looking for something serious considering our previous relationship so we both agreed to keep it casual. But of course, I tagged my little brother as a bodyguard with me on our first date just in case. And it went well. He turned up to looked exactly like what I thought he looked like which is gorgeous and my drunk judgmental skill on guys was actually good. A-ha!

After two months of dating and texting, he them had to went back home to his country for his divorce thing so we decided to stay in touch through emails. Hate to admit it, but yeah, I did feel a little bit weird as I was so used to wake up to his 'good morning' text and went to bed to his 'good night' text. Yeah, we made an agreement to just texting and no phone call during our dating thing as we both were so determined to keep it super casual. But typical me, after a while, I lost my interest on reading his emails until one day there came a sensationally long email from him that kind of got me as the subject was like, "Need to talk..." Knowing how he normally was, I can feel right away that there was something wrong so I then took time reading it.

OMFG, I wasn't sure how to react to that email of his as he told me what I called an ironically funny story. As he was back to his country to dealt with his divorce, of course, he then met his wife again and went through a super painful process as his wife and him did not sign any prenuptial agreement before their marriage so the thing then went sour. But after went to so many tiring procedures, his wife then changed her mind and asked him to give their marriage a second thought. Not something that he expected to, but hey, this was his wife for seven years we were talking about. Of course, he was obliged to say yes. And like honestly, I can totally understand this. To be honest with you, I found this actually kind of funny in ironically way. Why? Because the way he told me the news was kind of super cute. I mean, he tried so hard to found a right way to say it to me as he didn't want to hurt my feeling. Oh, isn't it sweet? Come on, yes we went out for a dinner once, party at the club once, and quick lunch once but during all of those dating things, we were never alone, was always with my brother as our chaperon. Therefore, I was never considered him as my 'someone special' whatsoever, Yes, we text like everyday when he was in town but that was it. Then for him to even considered my feeling when he decided to gave his marriage a second chance was kind of adorable. Ah...

Wait-wait! Don't get bored just yet! The fun part not even there yet! So yeah, after that last email we decided to went low and I was kind of moved on in this dating department already until out of sudden, a month after,  received this shockingly email from him again. Surprise-surprise! Turned up his second chance marriage was even worse than his first chance so they then came into a conclusion that divorce was actually the best way to do it. So they don't end up killing each other, ha! So yeah, he then officially single again but for him to came back to the island again was still needed a little bit more time as he had to settled everything in first. Then of course, we decided to activated our emails back again, how excited...NOT! As I told you before, I was kind of lost my interest on this emails game already so I didn't bother.

Okay hang on, here was when the funny part came. Over my lost of interest on him after several emails, I then kind of dated someone else who felt like more real at that time than he did. One day when I finally checked on my inbox, I found like more than twenty emails from him asked about my disappearance. But one that caught my attention was his previous one that said, "Need to talk..." on the subject column. I was like, oh no. I mean, I still remember his last email with the same subject was when he told about his wife asking for a second chance. What else can possibly now? Over my curiosity, I read the email and found out that he was actually in the island already and been trying to reached me but failed. He even went to my shop but didn't see me as I wasn't there everyday and he obviously didn't know my schedule. He then asked me to meet him over a breakfast because he really needed to talk. Weird, but knowing our history, my excitement didn't allow me to over think of it. Besides, what the worst that could happens, right?

Wrong. We then met over a breakfast at this Italian cafe belongs to a friend and there where he told me this another ironically funny story. He has this apartment/Boutique Hotel project that he was doing with his friend when we met last year. But because of his personal issue, this project was kind of postponed a while. And now that he was back on track, the project was on the go again. He hired this Italian architect who ripped them off like no others so they fired him. Over a party in a club back home, he met this girl who turned up to be an architect and to be shorten, he than decided to hired her. They end up dating a couple of time but he then found no chemistry whatsoever with her so decided to ended up whatever they had at that time. Sounded so simple, right? Not really. The girl didn't take it easily and went ballistic. She threatening him to not going to finish the project if they were not together. Ha ha! Like seriously, I literally laughed my head off in front of him when he told me the story. Like honestly! How bizarre the situation between him and me was? Seemed like the universe was always find the way to destroy our plans. And we were not even started planning any serious thing yet. So ironically funny!

Once again, we decided to went low for the sake of his project. I mean, I can totally understand his concern as this was not a peanut project. We were talking about millions of dollars here. But of course, we kept on seeing each other over breakfasts as this was the only time that he could escape from the Cruella De Vil. And oh boy, let me tell you something. This sneaky thing was actually kind of turned me on. The adrenalin rush was like no others and the boundary that we set for our casual date before slowly blurred. Just like a teenage boy, one night he even managed to escaped out and met me for a dinner. So challengingly exciting! Even though he had to be back by eleven but we did have so much fun. And honestly, he now looks even more decent in my eyes. He was like amazeball! So yeah, we did cross that tiny line a little bit as he had to leave the country in three days time so we were like, 'Screwed the boundary!"

But as I told you before, the universe was never sleep on us, not even a bit. We agreed to have another date again on the day he was leaving just so we both can say our proper goodbye, but believe it or not, I went to work that morning not knowing that my phone was out of power and I forgot to bring my charger with me. I mean seriously, from the scale of 1 to 10, the score for me to not having my charger with me was like 1. Almost impossible as my phone is literally my life. My ex-boyfriend used to named my mobile as my LSS before. Yup, my Life Supporting System. Totally die without it. So yeah, how odd.

Went home from work that night to more than fifteen texts and a dozen emails from him asking what the heck was wrong as I didn't return his phone call nor that replying his texts and emails. The 'supposed to be' our special date went failed completely and yes I blamed the universe for that. But what make this story even more funny was over my determination of making this thing between us casual, since our first date I never even bother asking his last name. So yeah, I saw the pictures of his family, his dad's horse, and his mom's cat, but no, I don't even know his last name and I just realized it now.

^_^

Last night, I did things I'm not proud of ...

And I got a little crazy ...

Last night, I met a guy on the dance floor and I let him call me baby ...

And I don't even know his last name ...

It started off, "hey cutie where you from" ...

Oh My momma would be so ashamed ...

And then it turned into "oh no, what have I done" ...

(Last Name - Carrie Underwood)

Hijab

As a part of me being a Moslem was always doing fasting during the month of Ramadan. It's a religious thing but towards the end, for me, it's also a tradition. I mean, I did it since I was seven, so it became a habit more than everything else. Rebelliously, I did try to brake this tradition when I just moved out of my parents' and became a resident of Bali which you guys knew acknowledge no such of thing. But sadly, the result was awful. I so devastatingly terrible and couldn't dealt with the guilt. So here I am, facing another month of Ramadan suffering myself with no food nor drinks, no nothing.

At the end of Ramadan, we're the Moslems, have to complete our fasting with this thing called 'Zakat Fitrah'. It's when you have to pay a certain amount of money or make a donation to the needy as a symbol of the reborn of new you as a human being as God did promise that He would have our sins erased if we do our fasting the right way. And what is the right way? Only God knows. Lame indeed, but that's the whole idea of Ramadan at first place. So us, the most perfect God's creatures, can do whatever it takes to win the game and get the prize. Sounds like mambo-jumbo maybe, but when you got indoctrinated about this your whole life, you will end up believing it.

So yeah, this morning I was on the phone with my dearly mother when I asked her to do the 'Zakat Fitrah' for me as I was just moved in to the other part of the island and couldn't located any mosque nearby my new place so I have no idea whatsoever how do I do this properly. As a mother, of course, my mum will take care of it for me. Hey, that what mother is for, isn't it? But there when this motherly speech of her came out. It started with a briefly suggestion from a mother to daughter about what she thinks of the way I lived my life then it became more and more specific when she brought up about my fashion statement. As someone who is old enough to defend myself, of course, I objected. I mean, come on, am not a child anymore. I entitled to to dressed the way I want, don't you think so? Besides, if any of my way of dressing myself up was indeed inappropriate according to God's rule, then it was more like my business with Him rather than with anyone else, right? Bible!

Luckily, as much as how religious she is as a person, my mum is also a democrat.. I can pretty much say everything to her. I mean, not that I can use the 'F' word with her like those Kardashians, but yeah, I can totally speak to my defense to her. I know, most of us were like dressed accordingly during this fasting month, but for me, it really is unnecessary. I mean, I believe that the way we dressed were like among all of those things that can be less effected to the value of our fasting thing. Like seriously, I can easily wear those Moslem gears right now but fail doing my fasting and then what?

To my acknowledgment, fasting is all about you and your Almighty. It's about your sacrificing all of your privileges in life in the name of God and no one, like not even one, can tell how you should do it nor that there is any certain judgment for that whatsoever. Oh well, at least not from your fellow human being, that's for sure. And this was actually what makes fasting so special compares to other religious thingy. The vertical correlation between you and what you believe therefore no one can understand the substantial but yourself. And it definitely does not define by the way you dressed. Like it doesn't.

Back to my point, I aware that many Moslems were changing their fashion statement during this holy month but for what? I mean, like honestly, I don't think that God will be so naive and see this as something more than just a trend. Come on, in God's eyes, I believe that we were more than what we wear. And for my mum to even brought this thing up was like so unacceptable. I mean, I went so far away from home to have my folks judging the way I dressed myself up back again. Ugh, now I realized how I miss the time before this Facebook thingy even exist. Remember those times when your parents can not friends you and stalking you or commenting on whatever you do in your spare times? Do you remember? Exactly!

^_^

Keeping Up With The Kardashians

If anyone questioning who is the most famous family in the entire world at the moment, the answer is probably The Kardashians. I mean, who would deny the fact that this some kind of dysfunctional family was one of the reasons why we glued ourselves to the telly every Tuesday night. This so called modern Brady Bunch was indeed intoxicating. And they were my ultimate guilty pleasure. I know, I know, your guys will probably like laughing at me when you read this. Yeah, it was so lame that I fell for their dramatize lifestyle, but, even though I aware that there was nothing real about their reality show whatsoever, still, I found that they were succeed brought the baby talking back and even trendsetting it. And I love it. Bible!

The Kardashians were all about family. Kris is the family matriarch and her daughters' business manager. She was married to the late Robert Kardashian, best known for being a defense lawyer during the O.J. Simpson murder trial, and had three daughters and one son with him before they divorced in 1990. She later married athlete Bruce Jenner, and has two daughters with him. She owned the now-closed children's boutique, Smooch, in Calabasas, California while Bruce is the 1976 Olympic decathlon champion who married Kris in 1991. 

And there is Kourtney, Kris and Robert's oldest daughter. She co-owns a women's boutique, named D-A-S-H, with her sisters in Calabasas, California, Miami, Florida, and New York City, New York as well as previously co-owning the now-closed Smooch with Kris. She was featured on the reality show Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive. She and her boyfriend Scott have a baby son, Mason Dash Disick.

But the real star of the family is Kimberly. Kim is Kris and Robert's second daughter. She rose to fame in 2007, when a sex tape with her and then-boyfriend Ray J was leaked. She co-owns D-A-S-H and is the producer of an E! reality series, The Spin Crowd. She was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. She launched her first perfume in 2009 and has endorsement deals with bebe, GNC (which makes QuickTrim) and ShoeDazzle. She recently released a song, "Jam (Turn it Up)", for charity purposes. She is married to New Jersey Nets Basketball Player Kris Humphries. Kim was reported by the New York Post as the highest-paid television reality star in 2010, and was estimated to have been earned $6 million from the show and endorsements for products.

And then comes Khloe. Khloé is Kris and Robert's youngest daughter. She is married to Los Angeles Lakers player Lamar Odom. She co-owns D-A-S-H, was arrested in 2007 for a DUI, and appeared in a nude photo shoot for PETA's "I'd Rather Go Naked than Wear Fur" campaign. She was also a contestant on season 8 of The Celebrity Apprentice. But the youngest and only boy in the Kardashian's Klan is Robert. Rob is Kris and Robert's only son. He graduated from USC business school, and became a model. And then of course, there are Kendall and Kylie Jenner, daughters of Kris and Bruce who became an IT teens and now following their half siblings foot steps in pursuing career in modeling. One thing I like about the show was how the girls in the family rule the entire shows. I mean, as a girl, it was so fun for me to watch the show that so women related. Check out when Kourtney had to moved out from Khloe's house to Kim's and they were carrying those big suitcases down the stairs then Kourtney was like, "Don't you have a bell man or something?" Khloe's answer was like, "Yeah, Robert. The new Bruce," Hah!

Okay, for you guys who haven't watch the show whatsoever, this was probably confusing, but, let me tell you something. I know some of you, the serious kind of people, might think that the show has no value in any category whatsoever - just another entry into the 'fast food' genre of reality programing - lots of calories, non-filling and quickly forgetful, but for me it was entertaining. I mean, I was never take life so serious, so to have something closed to meaningless was fun. A critic once said that here you have another twenty something ungrateful Hollywood raised female woman-child, in another typically ungrateful for celebrity-family with parents who are so self absorbed and ungrateful towards themselves, that you wonder how they can have time left to be ungrateful towards the children under their roof/in their lives. So what keeps me watching? The 15 minute 'clinique' beauty of the twenty something self described "socialite"? The little "naughty-bits" they sneak in of T&A just under the radar of standards and practices? The self-absorption of the parents? The back-talk and snotty attitudes the children are allowed to give to these parents? The unruliness of a blended family? Or just the idea of taking a peek into the life of "folks with celebrity" and then taking a look at your own life and realizing that mom and dad ....maybe aren't SO bad. Yeah.

But the beauty of freedom is that there will always be something for everyone. And in that freedom, you can take a look and decide if it's good or bad. For me, this show is probably indeed  meaningless and unrealistic, but it's entertaining. I know the programs like this are getting to be a standard. There isn't anything warm or exciting about viewing the life of a young woman who's already hit her peak - mentally, educationally, sexually - and is heading downward fast. Or her mother who is allowing it - even if it is only due to her own self-absorption. And a father who couldn't care less because he isn't her father particularly, just another man in a long line of men that the mother has luckily hooked her claws into. And the household siblings - the siblings to whom you have a bet going that they will either run out of the home screaming for real love, acceptance, stability, boundaries - or end up just like their older sibling on a YouTube edited soft porn segment or even worse - a real one. Whatever critics said was, still, I adore this family as they manage to make money selling absolutely riddickidong  story of their life. Two words : Bra Vo!

So, is this entertainment? Depends on you. Maybe it is a train wreck that you may stop to see for a minute or two - but there are so many other train wrecks to see in "reality TV" these days from music television to classic television channels, so why stick with this one? Even if it's only for a minute? Well...maybe to hug mom and dad and thank them that you're not ever going to end up as dull, lifeless, and boring as this family no matter how much money, TV cameras or publicity there is in the world. This shows that fame, money -- the appearance of it or the chasing of it -- isn't all it's cracked up to be, but obviously will crack those who have it. And am definitely one of those who think that this was indeed an entertainment. Am addicted! Bible!

^_^

Independent Or Selfish?

For all the times that I could remember, I was always believe that am an independent woman. As I last time checked on Google, the word 'independent' means 'not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker'. So yeah, that what I believe and am sticking with it. Until this morning.

Over my insomnia attack, I had trouble sleeping all night long. Even though I tried to forced myself to fell asleep, but this super cute little puppy I have had made herself super comfortable by laying down right across my chest and buried her head right on the bend between my shoulder and my neck, blow her heavy breath straight on to my ear. Yup, not helping at all. Leaving me with no other choice but turning the TV on, for heaven sake, at 5 in the morning!

So yeah, I then decided to watch the most boring program ever on telly. I mean, like ever. Do you want to know what? Okay, if your guess was 'How I Met Your Mother' then you were a super genius person. Yeah, what else can beat five unattractive people trying so hard to deliver a super unfunny joke to win the title for 'The most fail comedy ever'? Exactly, so somebody shoot me!

Okay, back to my super serious topic (yeah, right!) the episode was about Robin, a Canadian news anchor, one of those unattractive people, who has just moved in to New York and has just got a new boyfriend, Mike. As a fresh couple, they decided to join Marshall and Lily (yup, the other two members of the gang) on an Halloween party. Marshall and Lily, of course, dressed up as a happy couple as Marshall was wearing a pirate costume and Lily as his parrot. Oh, how sweet. But as someone who believes that she was an unromantic type of girl, Robin refused to do so and let Mike wearing costume while she didn't. During dinner, Marshall and Lily kept showing their affection on each other by sharing food and even feed each other passionately. Tempted to show his, Mike did the same and offered Robin to tried his food and, of course, she said no. Likewise, when Mike asked her if he could try her 'looked like' super delicious food, she refused it.

OMFG, I was like, 'That was so me!' Like seriously. Am honestly the type of girl who thinks that dressing up as a couple was the lamest thing to do. And I hate it when someone scoop in to my plate hence I never did the same to someone else's plate. Like ever. I mean, even if someone offer me to jump into their food, I would definitely say no. These whole times, I was blaming my OCD thing for that. But now, I was kind of like, 'Wait a minute, maybe it wasn't my OCD thingy, maybe it was just me?' I could be, couldn't it?

After Mike broke up with her that night, Robin was like having this some kind of introspection thing on herself. She finally realized that she was actually a kind of girl who was not in to a commitment whatsoever, yet. She found it hard for her to deal with sharing thingy. Then she tried to resembling herself as a growing up teenager when she chose to play tennis rather Basket Ball as it was so easy for her because in tennis it was only her out there. She even had an issue to do double. OMFG, once again, I was like, 'So did I!' I mean, like super seriously, I also prefer tennis when I was in High School as for me it was also easy to deal with only 'I' then with 'We'. Even now, I prefer to do things by myself. I don't do group activities so much as I was never enjoy it. My ex-boyfriend who was the only one who aware about this as we were like together almost like forever, said that I was an unbelievably selfish human being. Like really? Just because you don't recognize 'We' and only acknowledge 'I', does that mean that you are a selfish human being?

Oh well, I don't know. Those two words are definitely have a tiny line separated them. Anyway, independent or selfish, one thing I've learned this morning was to not ever, like never ever, judge anything until you dived in to it personally. I mean, who would ever thought that the program that I avoid to watch these whole times because of my pre-judge thought that it was like the lamest program on telly would taught me a lesson of life. Hah!

^_^

Everybody Loves Shalome

As everyone has probably knew already, I have this some kind of obsession towards dogs, especially puppies. Living in a house without dog was never an option. So devastated. Then yeah, ever since I lost my dog, Macallan, over a cruelty of some irresponsible people, I dedicated myself to a mission of dog searching. First, of course, I went to pet shops. But unfortunately, seemed like pet shops were not one of my things. Either none of the pups there liked me, or I found myself had no connection with them whatsoever.

Desperate in the need, I then decided to visit Bali Animal Welfare, an animal shelter for cats, dogs, and monkeys that had been abandoned on the street. And there, where I met this cute little black Balinese puppy that changed my perspective in many ways. I mean, my whole life, I was never interested on female pet. Honestly, dealing with myself as a girl was already give me headache all the time, then why would I want to have another one? Hah!

But that was until I saw Shalome. Yup, I named her Shalome and no, I don't know why, but that name came into my head right after I first looked into her eyes. She looked so sweet and shy. A little bit scared, of course, but in a lovely way. Within a second, I fell in love. So yeah, she was my baby ever since.

Okay, okay...I aware that Cesar, the dog whisperer, said to not humanize your animal but in real life it was so hard to not to. I mean, when you're in love with someone so bad, animal or not, I bet you would desperately want to show it to anyone in any way. I know that this was my bad, but when it comes to animal, especially dogs, my obsession was like beyond. I don't know why, but I felt so deeply touched with them rather than with human being. My ex-boyfriend knew about this so well and he used to said that, 'Animals get more loves than I do,' and I used to answer, 'Absolutely,' to that sentence. Hey, maybe that was why we broke up at the end, hah!

But yeah, for the past ten days, my life was never about me, myself, and I anymore. Shalome was always there, right between me and myself. Life was like so full of bliss and I can't even ask for anything else no more. Oh well, except for a new shop. And those House of Harlow's sunglasses. Or that P. Diddy's Unforgivable scents. Okay, among all those material thingy, still, Shalome was like everything to me at the moment. Wake up every morning to her furry body was like forever. I mean, it was like beyond. So unbelievably blessed. And this little pup of mine was stealing everyone's attention no matter we go. Every time I took her to a restaurant for breakfast, or lunch, or dinner, people were like queuing for her cuteness. The loves were all around her and am a super proud momma. Oh my goodness, I need to find a man like super quick! This obsession was beyond tolerable. 

^_^

For those who want to adopt Bali dogs, please do not hesitate to visit Bali Animal Welfare Association website www.bawabali.com for details. 

Big Girls Don't Cry (An Open Letter From A 30 Years Old Me To A 20 Years Old Me)

Dear Dewi,

I don't really know where to start this letter as this might sound unusual to anyone, including you. But yeah, am actually you in ten years time and my purpose sending you this letter was because of my so called desperation on warning you about so many things that happened and effected your life now.

Alright, first let me tell you about someone that you were going to meet in about two years time from your life now and this guy was going to became a key player in your future life and determine who you are in the future. He was a great guy and you were going to love him dearly. But, he was also the one who was going to open your eyes and show you that not everything in life would come to your satisfaction and life was not always about blue sky and a rainbow.

Okay, I can see now that am confusing you a little bit. Let me tell you why did I say what I said above. By the third year you were together with this guy, you would feel like living in a heaven where you can always get everything you want just by snapping your fingers. Everything would be served to you on a silver plate and in a crystal glass. Life was nothing but privilege because you have a guy who love you deeply and treated you like you were the only girl in this whole world.

But my dear, remember when they said that, 'When everything seems to be too perfect and hard to believe, they normally do'? You would face this phrase and proved that it was actually true. It was started with a shocking doctor's diagnose of your guy's infection that turned to a rare case of Myasthenia Gravis. It is a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disease characterized by varying degrees of weakness of the skeletal (voluntary) muscles of the body. The name myasthenia gravis, which is Latin and Greek in origin, literally means "grave muscle weakness." In English, that means an abnormality in the blood that doesn't have any cure. So yeah, this thing then turned your life and his life upside down. Two of you would experienced a turmoil part of your life that you were never even imagine before. The blue sky suddenly Grey and slowly blacken. The rainbow doesn't show up anymore, not even after the rain. None.

My dearly Dewi,

At this point, I would like to warn you about the frustration that you would deal with for the past four years of your love journey with him. The uprising arguments, the nightmares, the lingering sense of vulnerability, and the frightening of losing someone who you deeply loved. At the end of the day, you were a human being who has limit so when the trigger was pulled, the bomb exploded. As simple as that. Yeah, at this stage, you finally gave up.

Oh no, don't you worry my dear, you were not an easy quitter. No, you're not. Four years was more than enough on giving a shot. So yeah, you have waited long enough and let yourself suffer more than you should do. I know, as a girl who were so used to be so perfect in many ways, the idea of leaving someone who gave you so many happiness in life when he was in his weakest condition was kind of freak you out. I mean, what would people said? What would they think of you? A b*tch? Maybe. But believe me my dear, you have made the best decision so far so don't even bother regret anything.

My dearest,

If that you think is going to be the hardest test in your life, you were wrong. Wait until you were officially became a single girl living by yourself in a so called wild world. You would experienced how your privilege was robbed from you and deal with a real life toughly. So used on having someone next to you to always cleaned up your mess was absolutely harden your life when he was gone. Now my dearest, you have got to learn how to clean up your own mess. And since you were a stubborn little girl who doesn't want to ask for anyone's help then slow down on making one, okay?

'Life is tough but I am tougher', remember that phrase? Yeah, that what you were always said in your heart when everything was going south, and girl listen to me, you keep that in your mind forever. At some point, your nightmares, your vulnerability, and your frightening will fade away with years. The old events, the bad events, will soon became an ancient history that belong to a museum. And you will walk away, keep on walk away. Because my dear, life is moving forward, not backward. And in the end everything is going to be okay. If everything is not okay, just remember, it means that's not the end yet.

I hope you know, I hope you know
that this has nothing to do with you
it's personal, myself and I
we've got some straightenin' out to do
and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
but I've got to get a move on with my life
its time to be a big girl now
and big girls don't cry

(Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie)

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So Much For A Wonder Woman

This morning was one hell of a starting day for me. I got this big box from my shop laid on the floor of my living room since last night and so this morning, before starting anything, I decided to acted as a wonder woman and lifted it up planned to moved it into my bedroom. You know, just to tidy things up. Ignoring my clumsiness, my super strong muscle managed to lifted it up and carried it away until I reached my bedroom door which, for some reason, decided that it was best time to be stuck. Perfect. Refused to gave up, I just pushed the door with one arm while still holding the box. Hey, am a wonder woman, remember?

Yeah, right. Instead of opening the door, I got my hand hit the door so hard hence my ring finger to be stuck on the door handle...ouch! The pain was like no others, swear to God I was never felt so pain before, not even when I got hit by motorbike. Seriously! Panicking seeing my bloody finger and couldn't find any aid kit around to stop it, I then wrapped my hand with towel and run to the reception. Yeah, what a tragedy to be happened first thing in the morning. Typical. While the guy in the reception opened their aid kit to help me, my vision started to gone. I honestly about that closed to fainted as everyone know probably that I have this super low blood pressure that makes me closed to became a vampire, hah!

So yeah, what a hell of a starting day for me. A few minutes before the drama, I was actually talking to a dear friend which I supposed to meet for a breakfast date and since the meeting point was just around the corner of my place, I was like telling him that I would be there in then minutes and swore to him that I won't be late like I was normally did. Yeah, so much for that too. I was like amazed myself so bad learning that when everything seemed to be perfect, nothing could gone wrong, then the jinx suddenly took over. Always. Bad karma? Maybe. Or was that just a simply clumsiness? I don't know. Could be both.

After this so called tragedy, I went to see my dear friend for a breakfast and ordered myself big cup of tea and put in as much sugar as I could into the cup...yeah, needed it so bad. I was started to see stars all over my head and felt like the world was spinning just like a turn table on the DJ booth. And when I told my dear friend about the incident that caused me late and OMFG! For the first time in my life I finally met someone who carries the same jinx as me. He was like surprised himself too. Here we are, two different people from two different continents, accidentally became friends in the island of no one, found out that we actually have carry the same jinx. So yeah, to be honest with you, am not that sure anymore about the tragedy of my finger. I mean, it could be him rather than me. It could be because of am going to see him then the tragedy happened. Because of his jinx! That's what I believe and am sticking with it, hah!

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Italian Invasion

Okay, I have to admit it to you guys that I have this weird attraction to dirty words. Yeah, my bad...but for some reason, whenever I need to express myself I need to use a strong word which in my dictionary means dirty words. I really don't know what or why but I feel so much relieved after those words came out of my mouth. But funny thing was, this happened to me just recently. Seriously, I used to hate the 'F' word normally but after this super serious conversation with a dear friend who opened my eyes on how this word was actually a good word as it helps us emphasized our feeling about something or someone. Fucking awesome!

But of course, as people here in this country has so many rules about how to speak appropriately, we have got to be careful with every word that came from our mouth. the 'F' word was still considered as something rude and indecent. Then of course, as a decent girl, I tried to avoid this word as much as I could, even though always failed. I mean, come on, how do you fully express yourself when you can not emphasize it with any strong word whatsoever? Totally fail!

Then something happened. As some of you guys knew already, am opening this new shop at a spot called Fashion Point right in the center of Seminyak district. The place owns by this cool Italian hippie which I hang with lately. Between him, his girlfriend, and his nephew, I feel like outsider sometime, especially when they talk their language. Completely lost. But, as someone who has this special talent (and never ashamed to admit it) in linguistic, I spot this 'ma vaffanculo' thing within an instant. First, of course I have got no idea whatsoever the meaning of those words, not at all. Over my curiosity, I asked. And when I found out what the meaning was, I was like, hell yeah! No wonder I caught the word like in an instant. Hah!

Okay, let me tell you why did I say that. First of all, using the 'F' word was so obvious lately. Many people started to feel intimidated with it. I had someone threat to report me and some other guys who were happily using the word during this game called 'Fan Battle' on Facebook. I was like WTF? That was too much for me, really. So yeah, that is why I was so flipping happy to found those words. Just so I can express myself a little bit more open without intimidating others. Ma vaffanculo!! Yee-hah!! 

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