Yesterday was by far the worst day in my life as in the afternoon, out of the blue, my ex boyfriend's sister in law skyped me and we had this so called normal conversation when she started it with asking how am I and stuffs. So yeah, deep inside my heart, as I was never have any bad feeling toward anybody, specially not her, then I answered her skyping thing. I mean, we were kind of closed before when my ex and I are still together. As two outsiders entering one same family, we built a bonding like no others. We were besties.
Then of course, when the conversation started to get a little bit more personal and she asked what happened between my ex and me, I had no hesitation to tell her my feeling about all of the drama that happened. I truly believe that everything was back to normal now as she was the one who contacted me first, out of nowhere. After all, the separation was more than a year ago so for sure I believe that everyone was moved on already as I did.
But NOPE, apparently that didn't happen yesterday. She, for the reason that I don't even know why, started her accusation on me. Yeah, she was literally attacked me with her words without even considered my feeling. I mean, am not a type of girl who can confronted others. Hey, that was the reason why I write at first place. To express my feeling without having any confrontation with others. So having someone bombarded me with words after words really was hurting me in a definition that I couldn't even describe. I was literally in tears.
But luckily for me, yesterday I talked with a dear friend who comforted me in many ways. I mean, maybe no one knows about this, but these whole times I did blame myself for everything that happened. I know for worse that I didn't have enough patience to deal with our situation, especially his. I was by far the selfish one in that relationship and I was never denied that fact, not ever once. But, for her to attacked me with her words was, for me, beyond acceptable. I mean, she doesn't even know half of my life with my ex hence she knows nothing about the situation whatsoever. True, from the outside, people would see me as the guilty part but haven't even once came out in their mind that I was actually hurt as well with these whole things surrounded us? Just because I was the one who asking for the separation doesn't mean that I was happy as soon as it happened. Not at all. I was hurting as much as everyone else involved but was that bad if I decided to moved on sooner?
For those who know me might not found this as a surprise at all as you guys probably knew already that I don't think with my heart but my head. I choose common sense over feeling hence appeared to be such of cold bloody heartless to everyone. But hey, that was just me and am not going to explain myself to anyone's satisfaction here. After all, I am what I am and you are what you are. I never asked anyone to explain themselves to me as much as am not going to do so. Besides, I chose to keep only good things in me and determined to forget about bad things. And if I about to kiss and tell the whole problems that my ex and me had between us that means that I have to spill all the details about us, badly. And for real that was not a good idea at all.
So yeah, blame me for moving on so quickly, blame me for having a gut to make a first move to leave when things were going south, blame me for not showing tears in front of others, blame me for everything I don't regret did. But in my defend, I live my life forward, not backward. And hate me in any way you want but one thing for sure that am done blaming myself for everything. Am done saying, "It was me" because it was actually you more than me. Then yeah, I'll see you up front whenever you are ready, because there where am heading to.
^_^
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