Am Not Perfect

So, as a human being people make mistake. It was like almost impossible to have a super clean record in this world nowadays. I mean, come on, like seriously...the temptations are out there waiting for you to take your opportunities tasting the sweetness of a sinful act. Oh well, at least this was my experience. You can be disagree but you can never deny the fact that what I said was indeed true. A few months ago I met this nice French guy whom I date for a while. Everything went great until one night when he asked me to meet him and his friends in a club somewhere near my place. There was nothing wrong about that except for one small tiny bad thing that I did. Yeah, coincidentally, I met an Italian guy whom I consider more attractive and more like my kind of guy and so when he asked me out to dinner I said 'yes', of course. I didn't mean to hurt anyone but I was never thought that this was going to be something disastrous. In my defense, I didn't thing that there was something serious between me and this French guy just yet. We were dated, true. But I didn't see any string attached yet. So yeah, as a single girl who is still looking for Mr. Right, I told myself at the end of last year that I would open myself to a new guy this year. Was it anything wrong with that? Na-ah, I don't think so.

But my bad was I have this difficulty to just say NO to others. With all of the experiences I had in my childhood, I was always feel bad whenever I turn someone down. I was always feel, for some reasons, it was my responsibilities to say YES to everyone so they will be happy henceforth they would probably love me. Pathetically searching for love, that was me. I was so desperate to make everyone loves me in any way. So yeah, when that French guy asked me to meet him after dinner, I said 'yes'. And yeah, I did a tiny lie when I said I went out for dinner with a friend. Well, technically I didn't lie. This Italian guy was actually a friend whom happened at that time took me out. I thought our date was only a dinner and didn't go that nice so I could just left after it to meet this French dude. But I was wrong.

Turned out this Italian guy was super cool and I was kind of liked him at that time. As I said, I found him more attractive than this French guy, so what can a girl do in this situation apart from enjoying his company? I mean, I won't lie to you guys, so yeah, that bottle of Italian wine was also took part in this so called romantic night. The restaurant was so perfectly romantic and the guy was perfect, the food even more perfect, the music wasn't so bad either, and the most important thing was our connection was beyond believable. We talked to each other like we knew each other forever. But honestly, I didn't forget about this French guy just like that but I didn't know what to tell him either. I still tried to find a good reason to escape to him, but honestly, this Italian guy was so tempting and I found it was hard for me to just left. So yeah, I then just switched off my mobile and in my thought I would just say that my battery went dead.

Dinner then lead to drinks on the club upstairs the restaurant, then his friends asked us to join them in another club before we ended up at the third club we went and I lost counting on how many martini I drank. Was so wasted but never feel so free since I dated that French guy.

Okay, maybe by now everyone knew already how I have this so called 'commitment' issue. Whenever am with someone and things are getting serious, I freaked out. I mean, in the future, I don't see myself as a marriage kind of person. Honestly, the phrase 'til death do us part' in a wedding vow was kind of freak me out. So does the idea of spending the rest of your life with one particular person. I respect everyone who could do that, but am quite positive that I won't be able to. Am very easy to get bored, so yeah, what if half way through I get bored and want something new? Besides, I can't say 'I do' in front of God while I actually pretty sure that 'I don't'. What does this thing do with my story?

Okay, let me back to the topic I talked before. So, after our third date with this French guy, over my innocence, I asked him if we still allowed to date someone else or not? And his reaction was like, "Please tell me that you were kidding? You're not seriously ask that question, are you?" I was like, "Yes, am serious. Because with me, you have to be very explicit." And honestly, I still remember his expression at that time. His disbelieve was scared me. Then he was like, "I hope you're not thinking of dating someone else right now." And again, I lied and told him I didn't.

So one night, a couple of days after my date with the Italian guy, I went out to a dinner with this French guy to sort things out between us. Obviously he was so upset because of I didn't show up at the club he was in that night. So yeah, after our deeply conversations and he told me how he loves me, I then decided to came clean about what happened that night. I mean, I felt so bad for him and when he said he loves me, I couldn't say the same. For some reasons, my lips are locked. True, as for me it wasn't easy to just say the 'L' word even though to someone I have dated for quite a while. Then of course, as you probably guess, he was furious. I knew he hurt and I feel so bad about it but I thought it was for everyone's good if I came clean sooner than later. Right?

Wrong. He, among everything else, couldn't take it easily. He, with all of the reasons he had, thought that I was playing with him, which maybe I did subconsciously but it was never my intention since a very beginning like he accused me of doing. Alright, he is a type of guy who sees life as black and white, as yes and no, as right and wrong. While in the other hand, I see life is a colorful thing as a rainbow, I consider 'maybe' is better than yes or no, I see things in two different perspectives henceforth there is nothing really wrong neither do right for me. Then of course, we had an argument that lead us to a distant. The only one thing I never consider was how bad I damage him with my attitude. I didn't know that he was hurt that bad. And I really forgot that one time when we were at a bar and he was kind of drunk, he told me that when someone f*ck him up, he will f*ck that person up ten times as bad. And I never took that as a serious statement until yesterday morning. No need to tell anything but most of you guys knew what happened yesterday and as for me woke to so many texts asking what's going on was a total shock. But when I received a text from him saying, "Enjoy.." I literally laughing out loud. I mean, even before he text me, I actually knew that it was him. I mean I used his computer so many times opening my Facebook profile before, so yeah, when it happened I just knew.

Okay, maybe everyone was like, "WTH? Why did she laugh?" Alright, can someone tell me a decent reaction to things like that, please? I mean, seriously, for me that was the gay-est thing to ever been done by a guy. And then, let me tell you something. First of all, if you guys are a kind of person who works for someone else, maybe you will find this was hard to digest. Because in this case, you were only go to work every day then pick up your salary by the end of the month. While me, am the one who make sure that everyone got their payment by the end of that month. Every business person experience missed-payments. I remember a dear friend, a very successful businessman, once said to me that he missed his payments so many times too, and that's normal. The only different between him and me was that he can find a good excuse to do so while I don't. One thing that common people might found hard to believe that the essence of business is actually OPM. Yup, Other People's Money. The good businessman is he who can build an emperor without spending any of his money. The greater you are in business the bigger debt you owe to others. So yeah, am not a perfect girl but I was never pretend to be one. In fact, in every story I wrote about myself, I tend to talked about my negative sides rather than the opposite. Am not ashamed of myself and I was never hiding anything from anyone. When am screwed I will tell. But when I didn't do anything wrong, then don't ask me to explain myself. Like yesterday, many people ask for explanation but I refused to give one. Why? Because for me friends don't ask, friends believe. So yeah, you can say that am stubborn or whatever, am not going to deny it. As a matter of fact, I am as stubborn as a donkey, so either you take me for who I am or just leave me alone. I don't mind to be alone, honestly. I love it, in fact. Am not living my life according to anyone standard but myself. Kind of selfish? Indeed.

I Know I'm not perfect

But at the end of the day

Who is? (Oohh)

(S)he wanted someone that perfect

Well Okay

But can you tell me who is?

(Oohh-oohh)

From the song 'Who Is?' by Bruno Mars

^_^