Okay, a few days ago I said on my Facebook page that for me love was just like Jennifer Aniston's acting career - I don't get it. And yeah, I do mean it literally. Want a prove? A guy I was hang out with spilled the 'I love you' statement a couple of days ago and my reaction to it was like, "Are you drunk?" Seriously. I mean, to be honest with you guys, I was a little bit terrified when I heard those words. The 'L' word intimidated me like no others for some reasons. And I have a good explanation why did that happen to me.When I was a kid, four years old to be exact, I was fell down of my bed while my parents weren't home as they both were working at that time. According to my mum's version of story, I was actually okay but my nanny, a late sweet old lady who adore me so much - blessed her soul - went panicking. She then ran into looking for my mum as our house at that time was nearby her office, but she was happened to be in a middle of an important meeting. My mum is a tough lady who taught everyone of us (my older sister, my younger brother, and I) to not became a wimpy kids, so she was like sent my nanny back home and assured her that I was a OK. My nanny, over her love to me, couldn't take that answer and went ballistic. She went back home and said something bad in front of me. At that time I was actually fine already, but hearing her saying how my mum didn't care about me at all and how my mum didn't love me whatsoever, really was hurt my feeling. Hey, come on...I was four years old, for heaven sake!
So yeah, of curse I started to cry, cry, and cry until I can no longer cry then I collapsed. I had to stay in a hospital for a week because of that and (again) according to my mum, during those seven days, I refused my mum's existence in my room. I didn't want anyone to stay with me in hospital apart from my nanny. Of course, that was kind of made my mum sad and felt guilty, but the worst part of that drama was I started to built this wall around me just to protect myself from that kind of disappointment ever again. I then subconsciously decided to not to love anyone but myself. Selfish? Well, I don't see it that way at all. As for my defense, I was just tried to protect myself from getting hurt like what happened when I was four again. Maybe you guys don't know this, but for a kid, the damage was incredibly bad and the wound was impossible to be healed.
Then yeah, now you can understand why did I have a problem with the 'L' word, don't you? Yes, I am a damage kid. Yes, I am a weirdo. But at least, I have a good excuse for that. And every time someone say those three words to me, I freaked out. I literally don't know how to answer it hence my reaction sometime came in a wrong way and hurt people that I care about so much so many times. But I can not help myself. That was something that I can not control and manage. Maybe I need a shrink, maybe there is something wrong inside me that need to be fixed. But meanwhile, I was hoping everyone around me to be patient and help me out. Am working on healing my wound and hopefully it will get cure sooner than ever. Believe me, to not be able to love someone other than yourself was not a great feeling at all. It was kind of lame actually!
^_^
