It Wasn't Me, It Was You

Yesterday was by far the worst day in my life as in the afternoon, out of the blue, my ex boyfriend's sister in law skyped me and we had this so called normal conversation when she started it with asking how am I and stuffs. So yeah, deep inside my heart, as I was never have any bad feeling toward anybody, specially not her, then I answered her skyping thing. I mean, we were kind of closed before when my ex and I are still together. As two outsiders entering one same family, we built a bonding like no others. We were besties.

Then of course, when the conversation started to get a little bit more personal and she asked what happened between my ex and me, I had no hesitation to tell her my feeling about all of the drama that happened. I truly believe that everything was back to normal now as she was the one who contacted me first, out of nowhere. After all, the separation was more than a year ago so for sure I believe that everyone was moved on already as I did.

But NOPE, apparently that didn't happen yesterday. She, for the reason that I don't even know why, started her accusation on me. Yeah, she was literally attacked me with her words without even considered my feeling. I mean, am not a type of girl who can confronted others. Hey, that was the reason why I write at first place. To express my feeling without having any confrontation with others. So having someone bombarded me with words after words really was hurting me in a definition that I couldn't even describe. I was literally in tears.

But luckily for me, yesterday I talked with a dear friend who comforted me in many ways. I mean, maybe no one knows about this, but these whole times I did blame myself for everything that happened. I know for worse that I didn't have enough patience to deal with our situation, especially his. I was by far the selfish one in that relationship and I was never denied that fact, not ever once. But, for her to attacked me with her words was, for me, beyond acceptable. I mean, she doesn't even know half of my life with my ex hence she knows nothing about the situation whatsoever. True, from the outside, people would see me as the guilty part but haven't even once came out in their mind that I was actually hurt as well with these whole things surrounded us? Just because I was the one who asking for the separation doesn't mean that I was happy as soon as it happened. Not at all. I was hurting as much as everyone else involved but was that bad if I decided to moved on sooner?

For those who know me might not found this as a surprise at all as you guys probably knew already that I don't think with my heart but my head. I choose common sense over feeling hence appeared to be such of cold bloody heartless to everyone. But hey, that was just me and am not going to explain myself to anyone's satisfaction here. After all, I am what I am and you are what you are. I never asked anyone to explain themselves to me as much as am not going to do so. Besides, I chose to keep only good things in me and determined to forget about bad things. And if I about to kiss and tell the whole problems that my ex and me had between us that means that I have to spill all the details about us, badly. And for real that was not a good idea at all.

So yeah, blame me for moving on so quickly, blame me for having a gut to make a first move to leave when things were going south, blame me for not showing tears in front of others, blame me for everything I don't regret did. But in my defend, I live my life forward, not backward. And hate me in any way you want but one thing for sure that am done blaming myself for everything. Am done saying, "It was me" because it was actually you more than me. Then yeah, I'll see you up front whenever you are ready, because there where am heading to.

^_^

You Will Be Loved

A dear friend of mine just got engaged with his girlfriend who is with him for these last few months. I don’t really know her but from the story I’ve heard, she was a nice and honest girl who is very loyal and really in to my friend. So yeah, of course, I considered that my friend would be happy and love her back with all of his heart, right?
Wrong. A few days ago, I’ve got a phone call from my friend asked me to come over to his house because of he needed someone to talked to. As a good friend, of course, I made my time for him and gave him a visit. Then he told me that he was going to brake the engagement up sometime soon because he doesn’t feel happy with this relationship. I was like, what’s wrong? I thought she was a nice girl? My dear friend then were like, yeah, she is a nice girl and very honest too, not like some others, but I don’t feel the connection with her. I feel so bored whenever am with her, said my friend.
In a different kind of story, there’s a girl that I knew for a very long time, great friend of mine but not close who is happily married and loved by her husband like no other while in the other hand, I know for sure that she wasn’t that kind of honest nor a nice girl. She was always lies about so many things, sometime small and sometime big to covered up the lies that she created before, but, seems like she is some kind of a lovable person. Everyone loves her and wants to be close to her while she was never tried to hide the fact that she is not that nice type of girl who you will be proud to take home and introduce to your mum. Never.
So, my point is, now at this stage I realized that you don’t have to be nice just to be loved by someone, and of course, you don’t have to be bad as well just to be hated by someone. Because, believe me, love and hate are working in funny way. Maybe they were right when they said love is blind. But the thing is, I do believe that love unfolding so many things in life, including boundaries. When am in love with someone, I would easily justified his negative things and take them no matter what. And just because of you are a nice person, doesn’t mean that everyone will love you. You have to have that lovable factor in you. And vice versa, just because of you are not that nice and kind type of person, doesn’t mean that no one would love you. There is actually a very thin line that separate good and bad, so for me, there is no such a good guy nor a bad guy. Because I do believe that no one could define the standards of those things correctly. There’s a guy that I met sometime last year and became very close with me because I found a very good connection with him that makes me could care less when my friends said something bad about him. One thing that my friends didn’t understand is, I don’t decided to be close with him because of he’s a nice guy or whatever, but more because of I feel great around him and I don’t care if it’s for a good or a bad reason.
But NO, I don’t try to encourage anyone to be a bad person here, NO WAY! What am trying to say is just be yourselves, if you want to change yourselves for the sake of your own good then it is a very good of you, but you don’t have to change the ’you’ inside you just to win someone else’s love. Because, trust me, no matter how bad you are, you will be loved by someone eventually!
^_^

Girls Don’t Fall In Love Just For Fun

Don’t love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love me for a reason
Let the reason be love
(Love Me For A Reason - Boyzone)

This is a true story about a girl I know who live in a great life with her boyfriend for quite sometime now and as a human being she just feel kind of bored with her so called comfort life and want to try something different. So yeah, one night when she went out for a dinner with some friends, there’s a guy approached her and was like chased her wherever she goes. Suddenly, she felt alive again and decided to have some fun with this new guy behind her boyfriend back, of course. But she made a promise to herself that she will stop all of these as soon as the thing getting too far.
So yeah, fun it is as she planned it. But she made a big mistake by not telling the new guy that she was indeed has a boyfriend and only interested to have fun. And as you guess, the thing between them got too serious because this new guy has some hope on them as he didn’t have a clue about who she really is, and as planned, she knew that she has to leave now, but can she? Here is the thing, when you spent one time with a guy, you would probably keep your promise that this was only for fun. But after spent so many times with one particular guy, then of course, the thing started to become more serious.
She knew and realized that these all are a hundred percent her fault, so yeah, she then decided to leave this new guy and back to her real life again. She wished that the thing is as simple as it looks from the outside, but it doesn’t. First, everything is going not so bad, even if the new guy couldn’t accepted the explanation that she gave but yeah, after a while he can deal with it and started his new life with this new girl who is single and available. They still seeing each other for fun, as she wanted before. So yeah, everyone should be happy, right? She should be happy that now she’s back to her boyfriend and her so called comfort life, right?
Nope, of course she is happy to be back to her normal life without any dramas and lies anymore, but still, she wants the new guy for herself. Selfish? You can say that, but deep inside her heart she started to feel something for the new guy and she couldn’t let their so called love gone just like that. She doesn’t want to be with him because she loves her boyfriend but she couldn’t let him for a new girl either. Because believe it or not, she loves him too. She wants him too. She just doesn’t want to give up her life for him, but she loves him. And seeing him with a new girl makes her sad and yeah, maybe you can say jealous, even if she refused to admit it, but yeah, you can say that. Well, I guess they were right when they said that girls don’t fall in love just for fun. And now she has to pay her own mistake with her own feeling. Ouch! So much for her having fun things!
^_^

To my homie beloved friend, thanks for the inspiration...and yeah, for those who’s not even in the picture, I will appreciate if you just f**k-off!!!

Please Be Suffer With Me

I had a fight with my man last night over a stupid problem. I wanted to spent time with my friends but he wanted me to come home and had dinner with him. Of course, I chose to be with my friends and yeah, so we had an argument. I was so upset about it then out of nowhere I text my sort of ex boyfriend who is still pretty much in touch with me, as a matter of fact, he still hopes that we can be together again. Because of that, I was thinking that he would probably tried his best to cheer me up. Did he?

For the first half an hour yeah, he did. But after a while, he tried to convinced me to leave my man and be with him again. Oh no, he didn’t say that literally, but he said that I should not come home to my man and if I need a place to cooling myself down then his place is welcome for me. Of course, that was not something that I will do but for a split second it did come in to my mind. Thanks God that my common sense was still pretty much taking control.

When I told my ex that I can’t do that, as a man of course he couldn’t take it. No, we didn’t have any argument because I didn’t say anything back to him but yeah, he did say something that hit me badly. He said that I was an ignorant and selfish human being who has no feeling what so ever. Well, that is true though and I never runaway of those facts. But he did say something else that really kind of wake me up and smell the coffee of how bad I am as a human being. Do you really want to know what did he say?

Well, he said that when I feel something hurting me then I want the whole world suffer with me too. Confuse? Me too. Then here is his explanation. He said that I only think of myself and how I am not supposed to be hurt by anyone. When my man wants me to spend time with him but I don’t want to then I won’t do that without thinking of how does he feel about that. I just do whatever I want to do. But when he is upset then we have an argument, I then come to my ex without thinking of his feeling either. Then when my ex try to help me with what he thought as a way out of my problem, I didn’t do that either. I still come back to my man without any consideration of my ex’s feeling. All that I care is just myself and how the whole world should be suffer with me when I do. I was like, OMG am I that bad? Am I a bad person?

So yeah, this morning I woke up with these thoughts in my mind. I couldn’t sleep at all last night thinking of how could I be that person? I really hate myself now.

^_^