From Buddha With Love

So my journey on searching God was continue to the level where am interested on this belief called Buddha. In Theravada Buddhism, the term Buddha refers to one who has become enlightened through his own efforts and insight, without a teacher to point out the Dharma. A samyak sambuddha teaches the dhamma to others after his awakening. A pratyeka-buddha also reaches Nirvana through his own efforts, bur does not teach the dhamma to others. An Arhat needs to follow the teaching of a Buddha to attain Nirvana, but can also preach the dhamma after attaining Nirvana. In one instance the term buddha is also used in Theravada to refer to all who attain Nirvana, using the term Sāvakabuddha to designate an Arhat, someone who depends on the teachings of a Buddha to attain Nirvana. But why Buddha?

Every living being has the same basic wish – to be happy and to avoid suffering. Even newborn babies, animals, and insects have this wish. It has been our main wish since beginning-less time and it is with us all the time, even during our sleep. We spend our whole life working hard to fulfill this wish. Since this world evolved, human beings have spent much time and energy improving external conditions in their search for happiness and a solution to their many problems. And so do I, but what has been the result? Instead of their wishes being fulfilled, human suffering has continued to increase while the experience of happiness and peace is decreasing. This clearly shows that we need to find a true method for gaining pure happiness and freedom from misery. And here when I found out about Buddha. But, who is Buddha?

Siddhartha Gautama was born about 583 BCE, in or near what is now Nepal. His father, King Suddhodana, was leader of a large clan called the Shakya. His mother, Queen Maya, died shortly after his birth. When Prince Siddhartha was a few days old, a holy man prophesied the Prince would be either a great military conqueror or a great spiritual teacher. King Suddhodana preferred the first outcome and prepared his son accordingly. He raised the boy in great luxury and shielded him from knowledge of religion and human suffering. The Prince reached the age of 29 with little experience of the world outside the walls of his opulent palaces. One day, overcome with curiosity, Prince Siddhartha asked a charioteer to take him on a series of rides through the countryside. On these journeys he was shocked by the sight of an aged man, then a sick man, and then a corpse. The stark realities of old age, disease, and death seized and sickened the Prince. Finally, he saw a wandering ascetic. The charioteer explained that the ascetic was one who had renounced the world and sought release from fear of death and suffering. 

For a time the Prince returned to palace life, but he took no pleasure in it. Even the news that his wife Yasodhara had given birth to a son did not please him. The child was called Rahula, which means "fetter." One night he wandered the palace alone. The luxuries that had once pleased him now seemed grotesque. Musicians and dancing girls had fallen asleep and were sprawled about, snoring and sputtering. Prince Siddhartha reflected on the old age, disease, and death that would overtake them all and turn their bodies to dust. He realized then that he could no longer be content living the life of a prince. That very night he left the palace, shaved his head, and changed his prince's clothes for a beggar's robe. Then he began his quest for enlightenment.

As a normal human being gifted with curiosity, my journey on searching my almighty lead me to this interesting human being who later became one of the most influential people in the world. The number of Buddha's followers gradually increased. Nobles, Brahmins and many wealthy men became his disciples. Buddha paid no attention to caste. The poor and the out-castes were admitted to his order. Those who wanted to become full members of his order were obliged to become monks and to observe strict rules of conduct. Buddha had many lay disciples also. Those lay members had to provide for the wants of the monks. Every Buddhist monk takes a vow, when he puts on the yellow robe, to abstain from killing any living being. Therefore, a stay in one place during the rainy season becomes necessary. Even now, the Paramahamsa Sannyasins (the highest class of renunciations) of Sankara's order stay in one place for four months during the rainy season (Chaturmas). It is impossible to move about in the rainy season without killing countless small insects, which the combined influence of moisture and the hot sun at the season brings into existence.

Okay, don't get me wrong, am still pretty much a Moslem and have no intention whatsoever to converted to Buddhism. No. For me, Buddhism is not just a religion but also an philosophy. Buddhism believes in Karma and Rebirth. Karma specifically refers to those actions (of body, speech, and mind) that spring from mental intent ("cetana"), and which bring about a consequence (or fruit, "phala") or result ("vipāka"). Rebirth refers to a process whereby beings go through a succession of lifetimes as one of many possible forms of sentient life, each running from conception to death. Buddhism rejects the concepts of a permanent self or an unchanging, eternal soul, as it is called in Hinduism and Christianity. According to Buddhism there ultimately is no such thing as a self independent from the rest of the universe (the doctrine of anatta). Rebirth in subsequent existences must be understood as the continuation of a dynamic, ever-changing process of "dependent arising" ("pratītyasamutpāda") determined by the laws of cause and effect (karma) rather than that of one being, transmigrating or incarnating from one existence to the next.

Practicing Buddhist ethics or what known as Śīla in day to day life was what I found interesting. Śīla (Sanskrit) or sīla (Pāli) is usually translated into English as "virtuous behavior", "morality", "ethics" or "precept". It is an action committed through the body, speech, or mind, and involves an intentional effort. It is one of the three practices (sila, samadhi, and panya) and the second pāramitā. It refers to moral purity of thought, word, and deed. The four conditions of śīla are chastity, calmness, quiet, and extinguish.

Śīla is the foundation of Samadhi/Bhāvana (Meditative cultivation) or mind cultivation. Keeping the precepts promotes not only the peace of mind of the cultivator, which is internal, but also peace in the community, which is external. According to the Law of Karma, keeping the precepts are meritorious and it acts as causes which would bring about peaceful and happy effects. Keeping these precepts keeps the cultivator from rebirth in the four woeful realms of existence.

Śīla refers to overall principles of ethical behavior. There are several levels of sila, which correspond to "basic morality" (five precepts), "basic morality with asceticism" (eight precepts), "novice monkhood" (ten precepts) and "monkhood" (Vinaya or Patimokkha). Lay people generally undertake to live by the five precepts, which are common to all Buddhist schools. If they wish, they can choose to undertake the eight precepts, which add basic asceticism.

Two things I captured about Buddhism philosophy were peace and love. In every segmentation I can absorb the feeling of calmness. And another thing that I admire so bad was how Buddha gave up his privileges to devoted to what he believes. Today I've seen some clerics on telly doing commercial things which disgusted me so bad. I mean, come on...if you were a cleric, the last thing you supposed to do was being commercial. And here where Buddha was everything that am looking for in a teacher. I believe him for what he taught others because he lives in his words. But no, I don't say that my journey on searching God is going to stop here, not at all. My feet are still moving forward, seeking and wandering around until the day I die and that's a fact.

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Sources : Wikipedia and The Life of the Buddha by Barbara O'Brien

Hijab

As a part of me being a Moslem was always doing fasting during the month of Ramadan. It's a religious thing but towards the end, for me, it's also a tradition. I mean, I did it since I was seven, so it became a habit more than everything else. Rebelliously, I did try to brake this tradition when I just moved out of my parents' and became a resident of Bali which you guys knew acknowledge no such of thing. But sadly, the result was awful. I so devastatingly terrible and couldn't dealt with the guilt. So here I am, facing another month of Ramadan suffering myself with no food nor drinks, no nothing.

At the end of Ramadan, we're the Moslems, have to complete our fasting with this thing called 'Zakat Fitrah'. It's when you have to pay a certain amount of money or make a donation to the needy as a symbol of the reborn of new you as a human being as God did promise that He would have our sins erased if we do our fasting the right way. And what is the right way? Only God knows. Lame indeed, but that's the whole idea of Ramadan at first place. So us, the most perfect God's creatures, can do whatever it takes to win the game and get the prize. Sounds like mambo-jumbo maybe, but when you got indoctrinated about this your whole life, you will end up believing it.

So yeah, this morning I was on the phone with my dearly mother when I asked her to do the 'Zakat Fitrah' for me as I was just moved in to the other part of the island and couldn't located any mosque nearby my new place so I have no idea whatsoever how do I do this properly. As a mother, of course, my mum will take care of it for me. Hey, that what mother is for, isn't it? But there when this motherly speech of her came out. It started with a briefly suggestion from a mother to daughter about what she thinks of the way I lived my life then it became more and more specific when she brought up about my fashion statement. As someone who is old enough to defend myself, of course, I objected. I mean, come on, am not a child anymore. I entitled to to dressed the way I want, don't you think so? Besides, if any of my way of dressing myself up was indeed inappropriate according to God's rule, then it was more like my business with Him rather than with anyone else, right? Bible!

Luckily, as much as how religious she is as a person, my mum is also a democrat.. I can pretty much say everything to her. I mean, not that I can use the 'F' word with her like those Kardashians, but yeah, I can totally speak to my defense to her. I know, most of us were like dressed accordingly during this fasting month, but for me, it really is unnecessary. I mean, I believe that the way we dressed were like among all of those things that can be less effected to the value of our fasting thing. Like seriously, I can easily wear those Moslem gears right now but fail doing my fasting and then what?

To my acknowledgment, fasting is all about you and your Almighty. It's about your sacrificing all of your privileges in life in the name of God and no one, like not even one, can tell how you should do it nor that there is any certain judgment for that whatsoever. Oh well, at least not from your fellow human being, that's for sure. And this was actually what makes fasting so special compares to other religious thingy. The vertical correlation between you and what you believe therefore no one can understand the substantial but yourself. And it definitely does not define by the way you dressed. Like it doesn't.

Back to my point, I aware that many Moslems were changing their fashion statement during this holy month but for what? I mean, like honestly, I don't think that God will be so naive and see this as something more than just a trend. Come on, in God's eyes, I believe that we were more than what we wear. And for my mum to even brought this thing up was like so unacceptable. I mean, I went so far away from home to have my folks judging the way I dressed myself up back again. Ugh, now I realized how I miss the time before this Facebook thingy even exist. Remember those times when your parents can not friends you and stalking you or commenting on whatever you do in your spare times? Do you remember? Exactly!

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Playing God

Before you guys read this blog, let me assure you one thing first, I am not a sexual person. I don't find sex as something fascinating. Of course, in the name of love, everyone need to practice sex as the highest level of love itself. For an instant, when you love someone, at the end of the day you will end up marry that person, and yeah, have sex with him or her. But, as I said above, in my life sex is probably taking place at number eighteen or even below. It just doesn't fascinate me as I fascinate everything else in life such as clothes, shoes, or even for a surprise to everyone, food. So yeah, enough with all of the unnecessary speeches, let's get into the point of what am going to talk about at first place.
Here's the thing, I believe most of you have read and or watched Da Vinci's Code already as it was actually one of the best books and movies had ever been created. In the book or movie, the author Dan Brown mention this secret society called Priory of Sion that practicing sex as the highest interpretation of their religious level. First I was a little bit confused. How sex can be determine as a symbol for something sacred? I mean, as an easterner Muslim, I was doctrine that sex is something forbidden and taboo to even talk about. We don't say it out loud. Then to treat it as something religious for sure confused me in any direction.
As you guys should already knew by now, I have a different perspective on every single thing in life which sometime was not according to normal Indonesian thoughts hence giving me some kind of trouble at some point. So yeah, after using my dysfunctional little brain and think about this issue, I then came into a conclusion that might put me into another trouble. Now here's the thing, if you guys read my older blog "Searching God" then you will find that I had this kind of curiosity about God existence as a creature of the universe. I mean, did He really exist and created all of these things we have in this planet? Well, am not a Scientology follower but I do demand an answer for my questions. So yeah, when people said all of those things they said about God, I really didn't buy it. I still need a prove to convince me that He really is exist. I don't deny Him either, oh no, don't get me wrong. I owe my parents a credit for putting such a great foundation on me and my siblings religiously hence our strong believes in Islam and whatever they said in Quran, but my common sense still demand an explanation. Who is God? Where is He? How does He look? Is He for real?
Ancient Muslim will not tolerate this behavior whatsoever. I still remember when once I asked my cleric about this during our class back then, he was shocked and told me to not brought up that question ever again. Of course, I was like, "Why?" He then said that when it comes to religious matter, you are not allow to ask. You just listen to it and you obey. Seriously guys, I never get over of that cleric's answer, ever. For me that was such a stupid answer. The thing is, I don't live in the time where people are still believe in something like that, I live in a television era where people can hear the voices and see the pictures. People do question everything at this point and for that matter Scientology exist at first place, to provide the answers to all of human curiosity in life itself. Because scientifically, everything has an answer. So yeah, it's not that I don't believe in God, but I do question His existence and that's the truth. And I, at this point, reached a conclusion on why did the secret society such as Priory of Sion treat sex as the highest level of religious matter. Because in a right way, when two human being having sex, they were actually playing God by creating another human being. By saying that, I do mean the proper sex that two people are in love did, not having sex in a dirty way, you know? When people doing it just for sake of doing it? No, am not talking about that one, that is so gross!
So yeah, maybe God doesn't really exist in the meaning of something real after all, or maybe He does exist but as in human extended. He doesn't create any human being but another human beings do. I mean, if He really exist and has all of the power people said He does, why did he needs us, sort of His creations, to form another us? Doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. Maybe am too shallow, but for me, it seems weird as it is. I mean, when I create let say a dress as I am a fashion designer, I draw a sketch, buy materials, take them to my garment factory, then voila! A dress is born. And it the same process all over again for another design. I don't use my creations to create another one. No, it was never like that and I have a total power and control of how to proceed my new creations. Then of course, as a shallow thinker, I doubt God's existence as a creature of every breathing image in this universe because of that. But in the other hand, now I can understand why sex was saying as the highest level of human implementation of his or her religion. Because when two people having sex, they were actually playing God by creating another human being. And that's why every religion banned birth control at this point as it makes people forget what is the true essence of having sex itself and it was to play God, to be an extend for God Himself and create another life. OMG, am so proud of myself that I finally found the answers I've been looking for!

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Forbidden Command

A couple of days ago I met two Middle East guys who were stayed in one of the eighteen villas in my compound. You may be wondering why do I talk about them, so here's the interesting part. One of the guys went to see the receptionist at the same time I was there so I was kind of accidentally over heard what they talked about. The guy was unhappy about the bathroom in their villa which was an open air one. They were like mention about how open bathroom was prohibit in their religion, which was Islam. As a Muslim myself, this issue definitely caught my attention. I don't mean from the religious point of view but from a day to day point of view. I mean, come on..you're on holiday for God sake, loosen up a little bit! It's not like you were committed one of those seven deadly sins or anything. Am pretty sure God wouldn't mind if you take shower in an open bathroom once in a while. Besides, it was open but it was still inside the villa and not like everyone else can see you shower! Duh!

Seriously guys, I can not understand some people like them sometime, who went for holiday to the island like Bali which definitely well known as a freestyle place, then complained about things like that? Don't they know this little thing called 'Google'? If I plan my holiday to some particular places, the first thing I did was to Google the place so I would prepare. They surely didn't look like uneducated persons but what they did was very stupid for me. I mean, honestly, what kind of person complaining about such things on his or her holiday? Seriously!

Alright, here is the thing, I believe religion is not something to restrain you from having a little fun in life. Holiday is not prohibit and surely taking shower outdoor as well. Everything in religion is adjustable as long as it wasn't the primary ones. So of course, as Muslims, you still have to pray five times a day and fasting on the month of Ramadan. Those are a must with no compromise whatsoever, but taking shower in an open bathroom is not a big deal. It's not like a primary kind of thing, not even secondary. Even the Quran itself never mention it, so you know what it means, don't you? Exactly, not important, dude! So let your fanaticism loose and enjoy your holiday! Go to a bar or something for crying out loud, it was a lot (by far) better than worrying about God will be mad at you just because of you were taking shower in an open air bathroom! Totally!

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How Far Would You Go?

Here is the thing, I practice modern Islam. It’s not that I against conventionalism, but I just don’t believe that religion ban you from having fun. As long as you stay in a right pattern, then you’ll be alright. For example, I love wearing nail polish on my toe and finger nails. Orthodox says that as a Moslem, you are not allowed to. But for me, nail polish makes your hand and feet look pretty and I believe that God will understand that. I mean, he creates women with all of their requirements and normal women require beauty. That was my excuse and am stick to it. The rest of it, I will let Him as the almighty to decide. Another example is, as you all know, I love dogs. And as a Moslem, I wasn’t supposed to petting them. But I don’t really believe that. I mean, how could He created such a lovely creature but not allow anyone to love them? So yeah, I know they said that we are not allowed to touch them but I kiss them, sleep with them, and even shower with them. Do I feel guilty? To be honest, I don’t want to think about it that way. My intention of having dogs around is because of I love them and not because of I against God’s rule so I believe so that He will understand it. Hey, He can read you alright, can’t He? I mean, He’s the one who has that ultimate power, for God sake!  

I know this one is going to be a controversy but I can not ignore the curiosity inside my heart, so here is the thing, when fasting month started I received so many message through my Blackberry, Facebook, mobile phone text, and stuffs wishing me happy Ramadan. So of course, I replied back to all of those. Only, most of those messages are written in serious words so for me it was kind of boring. Then what did I do? I replied them in a slightly relax words message with a little bit joke at the end of it. As a result, one of dear friends of mine replied me back and told me that my message was inappropriate. Then I told him my excuse that I was only trying to let loose a little bit as everyone seemed to be so serious at this time of year. My dear friend then said, “You can not joke when it comes to religious things,” I was like, “Can’t I? Really? But why?”

Then this morning when I posted my new status on my Facebook profile about how excited I was knowing that today is the last day of fasting, another dear friend of mine also commented and remind me that, as a Moslem, am not supposed to be happy that Ramadan is finally toward the end. Because (according to my dear friend) it’s going to make it just like a bad lover, someone that we can not wait for them to leave. Their departures excite us. Then I was like, NO that was definitely not my intention. So yeah, I then answered him that for me, I was always treating Ramadan as my birthday. I mean, it comes once a year, I was always looking forward to it, but I also thrill when it’s done because that means it’s time for me to unwrap my presents. Ha!

Now seriously, for me, religious things were not something that limited us to anything in life. I mean, just because it was related to God, then we can not joke about it? For me, as long as it’s not underestimating and or insulting then it was fine. God has sense of humor too, I believe. And I also believe that He forgive me and understand me when I tried to joke and let loose a little bit, even if it’s about Him. The main thing is that I was never ever tried to make fun of Him. Joking and making fun of someone were two different things. And I was never ever made fun of my God, but I sometime joke religiously…if you know what I mean. Ha!

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The Chronicle Of Fasting Month

Yesterday was the first day of holy month Ramadhan. Every Muslim around the globe has to do this thing called fast where you were not allowed to eat, drink, and doing such things related with passion start from sunrise and finish at sunset. Actually, it wasn't as bad as it looks if you think of it, specially if you doing it for years now so your bodies were kind of adjusted themselves, but of course, first couple of days were always the toughest ones.
The other night before went to bed, I prayed a bit longer than usual and asked God to help me with the process of adjusting myself with this fasting thingy. Yeah, I was always do such things as I do rely everything in life on prays. Every single thing. So yesterday morning, while having my early breakfast at 3.30 AM (man, can you believe it?) I forced myself to eat a bit, and oh..you don't know how hard it was. I mean, to have something to eat while your eyes barely open? Tough. Specially if you do it alone like me as I was the only one who fast in my house, so yeah..the only company I've got were my lovely twins Cheech and Chong. Thanks God for them. So yeah, yesterday went quite well as I didn't even realize that I was actually fasting until late in the afternoon when I was so thirsty and just about to grabbed a glass of water then realised that I wasn't allowed drink any. Sigh! But overall, apart from being a bit dizzy and weak, first day was alright for me.
So here I am on my second day of fast. Big problem was that I overslept last night and almost missed my early breakfast, woke up only to found out that I only got time to drink water, that's it. Quickly grabbed my big mug and filled it with water, said my pray, then drank it. Gosh, I didn't even have time to get any biscuit or cracker in the fridge, poor me. Since nothing else could I do, so I went back to sleep as it was still pretty much early in the morning, but couldn't get a good night sleep at all. I think my body started to confused itself about this mess up time arranging for food and sleep. Oh no, I just realised that my last heavy food was at 8.30 PM last night, so that means that today I have to survive only a little bit less than 24 hours without food. OMG, hope my fragile little body can handle that. Well, to be honest with you, actually food doesn't really bother me, but water? Man, that's really crucial for me and most of other people. Specially for those who live in tropical island such as Bali with a high level of humidity, really is a torture.
I know, many of you who were taking things like these very serious would say that am not supposed to complain about it as we were supposed to feel what the needy people deal with everyday. Well then, my question was, don't they, the needy people, complain sometime? I mean, when you were hungry or thirsty and said it out loud, does that mean that you were complaining? Hmm..I don't think so. Or maybe we all just simply need an adjustment on how we define the word 'complain'. Hah!
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Marhaban Yaa Ramadhan (Welcome Hey Ramadhan)

Ramadhan or, as everyone familiar with, fasting month is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, in which participating Muslims refrain from eating, drinking and sexual activities from dawn until sunset. Fasting is meant to teach the Muslim patience, modesty and spirituality. Ramadhan is a time for Muslims to fast for the sake of God (Arabic: الله‎, trans: Allah) and to offer more prayer than usual. During Ramadhan, Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. As compared to the solar calendar, the dates of Ramadhan vary, moving backwards about ten days each year depending on the moon. Ramadhan was the month in which the first verses of the Qur'an were revealed to the Islamic Prophet Muhammad.
As one of those Muslims, I was familiar with this spiritual tradition since I was seven as on that age I started to fast myself and never stop ever since. Oh well, kind of. To be honest with you, actually I did miss my fasting thingy once for the first time when I moved out from my parents house and felt like I had to take this opportunity to enjoy my freedom, but guess what? It didn't work for me. I was crying my head off on Idul Fitri when asked God for forgiveness. Yeah, felt terrible! Funny thing about Ramadhan for me was how I bond with this tradition tightly. I mean, am not going to lie to you by telling that am a good Muslim, because I am definitely not. I do pray but not as many as I should be. Five time a day was a bit too much for me, I have to admit it. But when it comes to fasting, I was always seriously in to it for a reason that only God knows. So yeah, this year's Ramadhan was no different and I am excited and can not wait for the month to come. And oh yeah, one more thing am excited about on Ramadhan is the food. As some of you guys probably knew already that I have this thing called sweet tooth, hence my desire for everything sweet was beyond believe, and part of Ramadhan tradition was how we were always brake our fasting with something sweet to balance our sugar level from fasting. When I was a kid, my mom was always provided us with so many sweet food during fasting month and by far I love this thing. Why? Because on normal day, we were never allowed to eat anything sweet before dinner but not during fasting month, my friend! Woo hoo!!
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To all of my Muslim friends, happy Ramadhan..let's get ourselves forgiveness during this holy month..go fasting, you guys!!

God Is Gay

That was the first thing that came out from a dear friend of mine’s mouth when he was hitting a rock bottom of his life. Everything in the whole world seemed to came against him, so yeah, he was kind of let down by life. At that time I was not paid attention as I thought he was joking. Until last month, when I had a situation which I won’t call a rock bottom, but yeah, made me down and I decided to ask God for help, my friend was like, “Yeah, go talk to your God if you think that’s the right thing to do, if you think there‘s any God out there. Me, I gave up on Him three months ago when He didn’t answer my pray. He’s gay,” Seriously guys, I really don’t know what to say at that point. I mean, to hear something like that from a dear friend was kind of sadden. I still remember when I was so upset because of my vet asked me to make a decision for my cat euthanasia regarded to his health issue, I came to him and he was the one who prayed for my cat and me. I won’t say that am a religious person, but I do believe in God. Of course, as a normal human being who has so many curiosities in life, I do have a doubt once in a while about this super power thing called ‘God.’ But as my parents and cleric forbid me since I was a kid, I always buried my doubt deep inside me and tried not to mention it as for the people in this country, it might be something taboo to be said.
But, after heard those magic words from my friend, that thing came back again into my mind. Who is God? Where is He when we need him? Why He was always came late just like those police squad in every Hollywood movie? Doesn’t He supposed to be the one who knew everything first? Even way before we did it? I remember when years before I mention to someone that he should thanks God for everything that he got in his life, and he was like, “Why should I? I worked my *ss to get all of these things, why should I thanks someone else and not myself?” At that time, I called him ungrateful human being, but now, as I open my mind, that was something that makes my sense right now. I mean, can you imagine if he didn’t work hard and just prayed to God all the time instead, do you think that he’s going to reach his success like he is now? I don’t think so. God sure has something to do with everything here as He is actually our creator, but I don’t think He is the one who in charge in this game called destiny. We, the human, are in charge on making our own destiny. God, for me, just an element to settle us down so that we, the human, won’t over estimate of ourselves. So we, the human, won’t think that we own this universe because as a human being, it was so easy for us to over valued ourselves once we achieve a certain point. So yeah, there comes an authorized super power that we don’t know and won’t know where He actually came from, what He looks like, and there is no doubt and questions allowed to made regarding His existence.
Therefore, the crucial question need to be answered for me is, “Is there really any God?” Am not an atheist but that question keep on coming into my mind over and over again. No, I still pray to my God whenever am down or need help, but, for some reason sometime I have a doubt, was that necessary? The praying thing, I mean. Because to be honest with you, as my friend I mentioned above said, even though he didn’t pray, sometime the result was the same with whenever he prayed, sometime even better. So, I second him when he had that doubt. But no, I won’t stop praying in the name of God. I was just questioning the essence of doing it if we won’t get anything from it. Someone said to me that if you pray, God will answer only the time is not always accordingly. Because God has His own time and we should follow. Then, my next question would be, what’s so special about that then? I mean, if we need help now, what we’re going to do with the help that we get, let say a week, after? Am sure by the time we get that, we’d probably figured something out anyway. So what’s the point? That makes my next question would be like, if He was barely help us in our time, if we have to follow his time, does that make Him gay? Or we, the human, were asking too much?
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Searching God (Part 2)

Yesterday’s earthquake struck along the same fault line as the tremor that caused the tsunami five years ago that claimed the lives of 232,000 on Sumatra, across South-East Asia and as far away as the East African coast. The island, ravaged by the Boxing Day tsunami of 2004 and a long-running civil war in the province of Aceh, had only just begun to recover. A powerful earthquake that struck western Indonesia yesterday triggered landslides and trapped thousands of people under collapsed buildings -- including two hospitals, officials said. National Disaster Management Agency says the deaths were counted in the coastal Sumatran city of Padang, following Wednesday's 7.6 magnitude quake. At least 200 bodies were found in one coastal city and the toll was expected to be far higher.
Some people who put religious thing on a strongest position would think of this disaster as a punishment from God of what we did wrong in the past. Well, I never see it that way. Okay, you can say that am not a religious type of person, but I do believe in one thing and that thing is my God doesn’t do revenge. I believe that if God wanted us to leave in a peaceful harmony, then why would He does such thing? Doesn’t make any sense to me. Have you ever think of this might be has something to do with our mistake to the nature? Our failure of keep the balance in our daily basis? How did we destroy our rain forests so that they can not hold any more water for us and how did we take all of those sands to build all of those sky reaches buildings?
The thing is guys, I think that we need to start using our common sense instead of those mambo jumbo things. Everything that we could answer logically. Oh no, am not asking you to stop all of those prays that you did on your daily routine, for sure we need them at some points. But, instead of doing those prays all day long, why don’t we start to fix the damage that we caused to our nature, and let see what happen next? Gosh, now I can understand why all of those Hollywood superstars seeking answers in that Scientologist belief, because they were tired of seeking answer from the holly bible just to find out that when you believe in God, you don’t doubting His words. Well, guess what…I do believe in God but my head also demanding some common sense answers for all of my questions.
When the first time I wrote about “Searching God”, a dear friend who doesn’t believe in God, suggested me to visit a website about how God was actually just a doctrine from churches and priests to their followers. Wow, kind of scary, huh? Seriously, I was signed out from that website half way through because of am afraid of what the damage that might get in to my soul if I continued watching. To be honest with you, I don’t want to change my belief as am very comfortable with it. Saying that though, it would probably different if my parents didn’t give a strong religious based since I was a kid. But yeah, they did, so here I am.
Back to my point, I just want to tell you guys, at this stage we are not in the position to judge others or even ourselves by saying that what happened yesterday was a punishment from God. I don’t believe that God is that shallow, He’s way beyond that. Unlike us, He’s not an anger type of guy. Beside, He doesn’t need to show off his almighty power just to warn us, He loves us. We’re his creature, aren’t we? So yeah, don’t get me wrong guys, am not against any religious thing here. But, even in my belief, they were always said that, “Do something first, then pray so God will help you with the result of what you were doing.” Did you read that properly? Do something first. And yeah, a dear friend said to me once that everything happened, happens for a reason and I think that he was absolutely correct. But, the thing is, the reason was not always religious.
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To all of my dear friends and relatives who got hit bad time by yesterday's quake, don't worry guys..God loves you all!

(On My Birthday) Dear God

Dear God,
Today is my birthday, and I never thank you enough for all the blessed that you gave me in life. For my beautiful family and friends, for my happiness and sadness, for my loves and broken hearts, for my succeed and my failures, for everything I achieved and everything I missed.
My Dear God,
You always there whenever I need, because only You understand me indeed. You always kind to me even though I sometimes forget about you. I only come to you when I have something to complain about. But You always there, You never give up. Take me God, wherever You go. To the beautiful places where only You can go. Be my guide all the way through. Because I am blind without You around.
My Lord, My Dear God,
Don’t leave me here alone, only with my self. Because even me can not stand of my own self. I only in love with my life and my world. Every time is only about me, myself, and I. I am the most selfish creature that You ever made. So forgive me God for I have sins.
My Lovely Dear God,
I love You with all that I have got. With all my bones, my fleshes, and my bloods, with my soul and my heart, with my common sense and my heart beat. Because after all those are what I am in Your mighty eyes. Nothing more and nothing less. Don’t leave me God, be there for me. Like You always be, like You always be..
Bali, February 18th 2009
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Searching God

If someone ask you who creates you, I bet your answer is God. But are you really, truly believe that? Don’t you ever have any doubt about it? Have you ever questioning if God is real? Or he was just a doctrine that people before us created and put it inside our head?
To be honest, this question already in my head since long-long time ago. I was lucky that my parents put a very good religious foundation that makes me doing all things that I should do in my religion, such as praying, fasting, helping the poor, and so on. But it does not make me stop thinking about the reality of God. If our parents before us did not sent us to the Sunday School to learn about our religion, if they just let us growth without any doctrine about who God is, do we still believe in Him? Do we still think that God all mighty was indeed the one who created us? I doubt it.
So many questions in my head that could not be answer by my religion, or maybe even yours. But in my religion, there was a phrase ‘I hear it and I believe it’ when it comes to religious kind of things. So, every time I look for an answer, I am really afraid that God probably won’t feel happy about it and he will punish me because of that. As someone who had been doctrines about what is God capable of, it is really scares me.
Even if those question were already in my head and probably going to stay there for the rest of my life, but I am not going to change my believe to Kabala or Scientologist like all those Hollywood actresses doing, I was just looking for answers. Who is God? Is he real? Did he really created all of these? The world, the sky, the air, the water, the plants, the animals, the humans, all of these are his creature? Anyone could help me here? Anyone? No one? I thought so..
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