It's Not A Bad Thing

Being pregnant is one hell of tough job. I was always being skeptical when people said that before, but now I know. And I am not a whining type of girl, normally. Seeing myself losing shape was the most frustrating part for me. Everyone has their own, I believe. But don’t worry; I’m not going to complain about my pregnancy here. In fact, I want to share my joy to all of you. How life became more interesting knowing that one life is growing inside you and how he/she depends on you badly. It was such a blessed.

As for your information, it is my 27^th week now and I feel so much stronger and full of joy every time my baby made its statement by kicking me. Seeing my belly moves gives me a warm feeling. And yes, I think it’s time for me to eventually admit that I am now in love. Not something that I thought I would ever felt in life. But yeah, it happened.

Becoming a mother was never a plan whatsoever for me. I mean, every time someone asked, I always said that I would probably never going to have kids on my own. Nothing really serious, but I just never pictured myself got pregnant and being responsible for someone for the first 9 months of their life. It freaked me out.

But when it did happen, everything just came into place without my knowing. God has His hand all over me, I believe. Everything was just perfect in its own way. My pray was answered and things are becoming beautiful. I just hope that everything will fall into place just like it did for the rest of my pregnancy period. And I cannot wait to have my baby in arms and see how he/she looks like. I think God loves me too much by giving me such a beautiful blessing like this. I was on the top of the world! Yay!

^_^ 

My Little Bundle of Joy

These past three months were the hardest part of my life. I have been hiding a secret that would change my life forever. It was started one morning of August when I had this funny feeling in my stomach. I couldn't find the right word to describe it, it was just an odd feeling. For a moment there I thought it was because of my stressful job that drove me to an unhealthy lifestyle that cause my stomach crammed. But when I didn't get my period on August, I knew it right away. So yeah, I went to a chemist to bought some test-pack and..voila! The result wasn't a shock for me at all. Of course, am pregnant! Yay!

Now, the next step was telling everyone in my circle about my pregnancy and for sure, it was not an easy thing. But first, to be sure of couse,  I went to saw a proper doctor to confirmed everything. Although deep inside my heart I knew for real that I was pregnant, but doctor confirmation was a necessary thingy. Then, of course, as I expected - the doctor confirmed the news. And for the first time I did the sonogram to saw my baby, I was amazed. I mean, like honestly, even though the screen show nothing but a small black dot but I was like speechless. From that moment I knew am going to keep this pregnancy no matter what. After all, this was my little bundle of joy.

As an Indonesian, even though am not into any superstitious thing, but it was a tradition to keep your pregnancy a secret until you passed the first trimester. So yeah, I kept it sealed and, boy oh boy..it was a hard thing to do. I mean, I was super excited but managed to stay calm. Am telling you guys, it was a tortured. Then yeah, when last week I passed my first trimester and my doctor said things are a OK, I can not hold it any longer. I need to shout it out loud and share my joy to the world! Yeah, am so pregnant! Yay!!

Having this little bundle of joy inside me was a major changing for me. I, who used to put myself first upon everything else, suddenly have a different way of thinking. I suddenly don't think of myself anymore. My baby is everything now. And even though I hate my body changing at first but for some reasons I now love my pregnancy shape. Well, I think it was kind of sexy seeing my tits are now transformed into boobs. Ha! Anyway, all that I can say now is I am a proud Momma and will try my everything to see this bundle of joy comes into this world and be in my arms. Six more month to go and am counting every second of them. My last sonogram showed the little one already has shaped like a human. And even though my dear man said it looks like an alien, but for me it is an angel. He or she will always be an angel in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind.

^_^

 

Tri Dhatu Philosophy

Seeing people wearing red, white, and black string on their wrist here in Bali was considered as something commons. What do the colors means by the Balinese People? Certainly the answer will variable, but in philosophy, in Bali the color becomes a necessity in symbolize the religion elements or ritual relations to God. If the color associated with the arts, the art of the Balinese is the breath of life. The whole life of the Balinese can’t be separated with the arts.

This unique philosophy and ritual is very rich with artwork and symbolism, which makes Hindu religion in Bali, is different from the Hinduism origin in India. In Bali the mixing of various philosophies (such as Taoism, Confuciusism, Buddhism, Tantric, Animism, Dynamism, etc) makes Balinese Hindu religion getting rich with the philosophy, implemented by a unique ritual manifestation. Associated with the use of color, The Balinese using colors as symbols in all religious ritual that held, this proves that the Balinese people reached high level of public awareness in art.

Many Balinese Hindu religious rituals or religious teaching is represented with an interesting implementation which using color as symbolism. So in Bali the color treats as a media/symbol to learning the philosophy of Balinese Hindu Religion.

So what is it with the three colors string on their wrist?

In Bali, there are Tri dhatu and Panca Dhatu. It is having same meaning, as something that makes (as elements) into the human body's structure or building will give power of life to human or a building. Tri dhatu is the force that consists of three elements they are utpatti or the creation of Brahma. Sthiti is symbol of Lord Vishnu and pralina, or destruction symbol of God Iswara. This power is manifested in the form of yarn or scratches on the building with red, white, and black. This yarn will wear around the wrist. Anyone who wear this bracelet after the ceremony, believed to be able to resist all kinds of dangers that will threat the soul. This bracelet is a symbol of disaster.
Using the tri dhatu bracelet on our wrist will feel secure our mind at ease, more confident. The three yarns consist of 3 parts of wool Woven the color is red, white and black and symbol of Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu. These three God are Trimurti, a symbol of birth (utpatti), growth (stithi) and return (chocolates), also symbolizes the power of fire, water, and wind. Birth-death-life which all are at the mercy of God. By wrapping yarn tri dhatu on the wrist would protect human life can also be installed in certain places as home d home and yard guard against evil or negative forces that want to disrupt peace prosperity, and happiness of the human population.

Tri Murthi is the God trinity concept of Balinese Hindu Religion. This concept was made by Danghyang Dwijendra at the Samuan Tiga Temple -Gianyar, when he unites all sects in Bali into Balinese Hinduism nowadays. Tri Murthi means ‘Tri’ = “three” and ‘Murthi’ = “realization of God”, so Tri Murthi means Three manifestations of God Almighty in accordance with his duties. Brahma as the Creator of life, Vishnu the Preserver and Shiva as destroyer. In fact the whole (desa pekraman) village in Bali must have 3 temples are embracing the concept. Brahma worshiped at Bale Agung Temple, Vishnu at Puseh temple and Shiva at Dalem Temple.

Relation to Brahma, symbolized by red, Vishnu by black and Shiva with white color. A combination of three colors is called ‘Tri Datu’, is used in every religious ceremonies, buildings, and even used as a talisman for safety. Usually when used for amulets shaped bracelet made of yarn called ‘Benang Tri Datu’ yarn.

Tri Datu is not only attached to buildings or on religion ceremonies, but occasionally, the Balinese attach the threads to their bodies. Around the right wrist – a red thread, around the ankle – a black, and attached to the ear – the white. The use of the Tri Datu is to calm the mind so that it will not be influenced by negative thoughts. The threads can also be wound together around the right wrist or placed on the crown of the head. No matter how the Tri Datu is worn, the threads were placed or attached with prayers to endow the recipient with power, strength, and Longevity.

Those who still have full faith in the power of Tri Datu, use it to cure wounds. The colored threads being wrapped around the open wound directly on the skin as one would use a bandage. For the cremation ceremony (Ngaben), Tri Datu threads take on a new name when they become part of the ritual of ceremonial equipment, being then called (among other possible names) “long-lost” meaning long and lost, possibly because they are consumed in the fire.

Apart from the uses mentioned, on specific occasions Tri Datu is featured in the form of cloth and is worn as clothing by the original male inhabitants of a village. The black being worn as a shirt, the white as an under-skirt sarongs, and the red as an over-skirt. This dress is worn when a Villager is currently carrying out a ceremony at his own temple, or more generally, when the people celebrate “Hari Raya Nyepi” (a day when you must be quite, stay at home, not use any lights. Fires , machines, vehicles or electrical equipment.)

When the people wear dress Tri Datu, they are called “sambangan”. The word implies that they are awaiting a blessing or help from God. During the fifth and sixth months of the Balinese calendar, you are likely to see the Balinese Hindus wearing “Sikepan”.

This is just another form of Tri Datu, where the three colored threads are plaited tired and the ends together forming a necklace or bangle. Before it is worn it will have various items attached: old Chinese coins (the ones with the holes in the middle), small red onions, garlic cloves, ginger roots and other “Jangu” (medicinal plants and roots). Without the coins and “Jangu” mentioned, the plaited or entwined threads are not “Sikepan” and are, more often than not, merely intended as personal adornment. Sikepan is a symbolic marker of those asking God for a blessing and, more likely, protection from the bad spirits that infest the earth during the 5th and 6th months of the Balinese Calendar.

Each person seen wearing the “Sikepan” is also currently having a Cleans or Exorcism at his or her home to rid the area of bad spirits that cause problems. These exorcisms are called “Tilem” and will be held during the dangerous months.

^_^

For Myuran and Andrew

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151430316046334&set=vb.558086333&type=3&theater

Late Post, NYE 2014

Welcoming 2014

Whoa! It’s 2014 already and I’ve been away for approximately six months. Not something that I normally do as you guys knew how obsessed I was with writing. But yea, now am back and the first thing that I want to write here is about my new life. So here we go…

After the death of someone I loved in Bali, I decided to relocate to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where I resided for almost nine months before I got a job in Sumatra Island of Indonesia, where I originally came from. So yea, since September last year I became a Sumatran. Alright!

Living in the island where Muslims are the majority of the people after fourteen years in Bali was not something that I could call an easy adjustment. I have several things to manage, started with my fashion statement. I am an island girl who loves island lifestyle and fashion. So to see many people, women in particular, covered up in hijab were something that I never used to. And for a fashionable reason, I was kind of shocked. Honestly, I felt so uncomfortable at first.

I am a very active girl and have a thing for sports in general. So one morning, I went for a run at a running track around a mosque called Masjid Agung. I have no idea whatsoever that in that place, there are rules about dressing up and so I went with my usual sport gears such as, legging and t-shirt. I aware about the location was close to a mosque so I dressed as polite as I could be. I am not a fool girl who didn’t understand manner and that what in my mind was at that time. But guess what?

Yup, while I was enjoying my run, an old guy approached me and told me that I was not supposed to go there in my legging and t-shirt which according to him were invited. And he said that loud enough for people around to heard and looked at me like I was an alien. Oh wow! I was like, huh? I was covered up enough according to my standard but obviously that was not enough to the city. What an embarrassing morning. I then decided to cut my run short and went home. It was enough for my embarrassment. Like a dog lost in a fight, I went home with tail between my legs.  

Funny, that was my opinion to this incident. But that doesn’t make me give up to this town. I mean, come on. Am a fighter and I don’t take no as an answer. Never. What happened at that mosque challenge me even more to defeat this town. Not that I am about to surrender to this place and follow its rules, no way. But seriously, I determine to change the people here to realize and see that you are not what wear, but more like what inside you. You can cover up from head to toe but if you are a bad person, than you are bad person. So yea, wish me luck guys. I think I need all the luck that I can get to change this town and make it more acceptable to my lifestyle. Ha!

Liar Liar Burn In Fire

How often have we told ourselves we hate lies? Yet, we do resort to speaking some amount of lies for various reasons. We lie when it is convenient for us and it is considered that 'white lies' are basically harmless if spoken with the right intention. The reasons for why a person lies could be many - it could be to cover up for something or even to get out of a situation. However, the problem starts when one becomes habituated to it. Lies being told for no rhyme or reason can damage your life to a great extent - professionally and personally as well. This fact is what am dealing with at the very moment. Imagine a person lying to make his/her way through without giving it a thought as to how his/her lying would affect other people around them. That's exactly what a person like me, a pathological liar does. 

Lying is the act of making a false statement. Most people do so out of fear.  Pseudologia fantastica, mythomania, or pathological lying are three of several terms applied by psychiatrists to the behavior of habitual or compulsive lying. It was first described in the medical literature in 1891 by Anton Delbrueck. Although it is a controversial topic, pathological lying has been defined as "falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view, may be extensive and very complicated, and may manifest over a period of years or even a lifetime. Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with borderline personality disorder lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly. Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless. Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement and progresses into the fantasy world and back.

By this point, you guys might be confused and like, 'What the heck are you talking about?' Alright, let me clarify what am I talking about here. Over this past two months I've been dating a great guy but screwed him up badly with my habitual lies. Yup, am that kind of girl that everyone hated so much and wished never deal with whatsoever. I don't know when this thing started but all that I know was I constantly lying to others but I never meant to hurt them deliberately. I mean, of course, I knew for sure when I lie it might caused someone to get hurt but I can not help myself. Am an addict and my addiction is to lie.

I know, you guys would probably like, 'WTF? Did she just admit it that she has a mental illness?' Yeah, it was not easy for me to just say this out loud, but I know it's time for me to come clean and out of the closet where I've been hiding in for so very long time now. In my case, am pretty sure that am a Pseudologia Fantastica that came from my Pathological Lying, where I was so used to lie so it's taking over my life henceforth I couldn't see which one was a true and which one was not anymore. In some point, I don't even remember what I just told people like five seconds ago. Am not a shrink but thanks God for the internet because I can get so many information from it. So yeah, am analyzing myself in my own words.

There are many consequences of being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most pathological liar's relationships and friendships fail. If the disease continues to progress, lying could become so severe as to cause legal problems, including but not limited to fraud. Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done regarding the use of pharmaceutical medication to treat pathological liars. Some research suggests that certain people may have a “predisposition to lying”. Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon, differing from other mental illnesses. It has many life-changing consequences for those that have to live with the illness. Currently, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying to guarantee a cure.

Okay, you guys might think that am crazy to this point by admitting that am having a mental illness, but NO, guys...am not crazy. In fact, in most of the case in the world, people who suffer from this disorder are mostly smart or even genius. Not that am telling you that am a genius, but just so you know that mental illness or disorder is more like a tame psychological problem that harm mostly no one physically. Pathological liars - or "mythomaniacs" - may be suffering from histrionic personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder. As for my case, I have found that pathological liars like myself cannot tell that they are lying; they actually believe the lie as soon as it comes out of their mouth. We lie about unimportant things that don't really matter to anyone. This can be caused by mental defect but isn't always. Many people said that pathological liars, because they have lied so much that they have lost all conscientious pangs and are callus to doing wrong of this sort.Well, that's not always true. I am a pathological liar. Therefore I am the best person to tell you about pathological liars. Right, pathological liars lie because they find it too uncomfortable to tell the truth, much like how an honest person finds it hard to lie. However, we lie about the most mundane thing sometimes. I even make up stories to win an argument. Also, most people will tell you that we lose track of our lies. For me that is not true, I have an excellent memory capacity and therefore can remember nearly every important lie I've told. I was just having a trouble on separate them from the reality. Furthermore we have not lost all conscientious pangs and we are usually not callus. This person whoever said that was obviously thinking of a sociopath which is completely different to a pathological liar. We don't lie to advance our own goals unlike sociopaths, we lie because it feels comfortable for us. So it's more like a compulsive lie - it is defined as someone who lies out of habit.  Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions.  Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small.  For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right.  Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary.  For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (unlike sociopaths), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship.

"The truth that survives is simply the lie that is pleasantest to believe." the quote from H. L. Mencken was pretty much told everything I was talking about pathological liars above. True, few people always want to know the truth or seek it out. But in fact, many people actively deny the truth until they are forced to deal with it. We rarely see the world as it really is. Our perception of the world is biased, our memories betray us, and our true motives can remain hidden. For better or worse, we constantly convince ourselves of things that are not true. We kid ourselves about the most basic things in life: Who we are and what is going on around us.

Oh NO, am not trying to justify what I've done wrong in my past here, never. As a matter of fact, this blog I write because of my exhaustion of lying towards everything in my life. I knew I hurt so many people I loved and loved me and I knew by this point that I do need help. A professional help, it is. Don't you guys ever think that we the pathological liars are actually enjoying our bad habit, NOT at all. But the thing is, we are not that strong enough to have control on ourselves. Pathological liars have no remorse when lying. We do not think that it is bad to lie. We do not worry about the consequences either. We simply lie and go on with life as if nothing is wrong.

A pathological liar must be handled carefully if you wish to help the person change this habit. We would need to be reminded gently about their behavior by pointing out their little bits of lies. Do not blame us for the lies, as many times, we are not even aware about what is being said by us. It might need to use professional help to tackle extreme cases like mine now. I know how difficult this could be for you normal people out there to digest. I mean, last night I was with a guy whom I hang out with for a couple of months now and he was so hurtful when he found out about my lies to him hence he was so furious. But when he asked me for an explanation, I couldn't give him any. All that I could say was that I don't know why and no, I can not control it. I can see the disbelieve expression on his face and the frustration that he got from that answer. Trust me, I do realize that. I wished I had a better explanation, but in fact, I didn't. So, somebody shoot me!

^_^

Sources : Wikipedia, https://wiki.answer.com

Am Not Perfect

So, as a human being people make mistake. It was like almost impossible to have a super clean record in this world nowadays. I mean, come on, like seriously...the temptations are out there waiting for you to take your opportunities tasting the sweetness of a sinful act. Oh well, at least this was my experience. You can be disagree but you can never deny the fact that what I said was indeed true. A few months ago I met this nice French guy whom I date for a while. Everything went great until one night when he asked me to meet him and his friends in a club somewhere near my place. There was nothing wrong about that except for one small tiny bad thing that I did. Yeah, coincidentally, I met an Italian guy whom I consider more attractive and more like my kind of guy and so when he asked me out to dinner I said 'yes', of course. I didn't mean to hurt anyone but I was never thought that this was going to be something disastrous. In my defense, I didn't thing that there was something serious between me and this French guy just yet. We were dated, true. But I didn't see any string attached yet. So yeah, as a single girl who is still looking for Mr. Right, I told myself at the end of last year that I would open myself to a new guy this year. Was it anything wrong with that? Na-ah, I don't think so.

But my bad was I have this difficulty to just say NO to others. With all of the experiences I had in my childhood, I was always feel bad whenever I turn someone down. I was always feel, for some reasons, it was my responsibilities to say YES to everyone so they will be happy henceforth they would probably love me. Pathetically searching for love, that was me. I was so desperate to make everyone loves me in any way. So yeah, when that French guy asked me to meet him after dinner, I said 'yes'. And yeah, I did a tiny lie when I said I went out for dinner with a friend. Well, technically I didn't lie. This Italian guy was actually a friend whom happened at that time took me out. I thought our date was only a dinner and didn't go that nice so I could just left after it to meet this French dude. But I was wrong.

Turned out this Italian guy was super cool and I was kind of liked him at that time. As I said, I found him more attractive than this French guy, so what can a girl do in this situation apart from enjoying his company? I mean, I won't lie to you guys, so yeah, that bottle of Italian wine was also took part in this so called romantic night. The restaurant was so perfectly romantic and the guy was perfect, the food even more perfect, the music wasn't so bad either, and the most important thing was our connection was beyond believable. We talked to each other like we knew each other forever. But honestly, I didn't forget about this French guy just like that but I didn't know what to tell him either. I still tried to find a good reason to escape to him, but honestly, this Italian guy was so tempting and I found it was hard for me to just left. So yeah, I then just switched off my mobile and in my thought I would just say that my battery went dead.

Dinner then lead to drinks on the club upstairs the restaurant, then his friends asked us to join them in another club before we ended up at the third club we went and I lost counting on how many martini I drank. Was so wasted but never feel so free since I dated that French guy.

Okay, maybe by now everyone knew already how I have this so called 'commitment' issue. Whenever am with someone and things are getting serious, I freaked out. I mean, in the future, I don't see myself as a marriage kind of person. Honestly, the phrase 'til death do us part' in a wedding vow was kind of freak me out. So does the idea of spending the rest of your life with one particular person. I respect everyone who could do that, but am quite positive that I won't be able to. Am very easy to get bored, so yeah, what if half way through I get bored and want something new? Besides, I can't say 'I do' in front of God while I actually pretty sure that 'I don't'. What does this thing do with my story?

Okay, let me back to the topic I talked before. So, after our third date with this French guy, over my innocence, I asked him if we still allowed to date someone else or not? And his reaction was like, "Please tell me that you were kidding? You're not seriously ask that question, are you?" I was like, "Yes, am serious. Because with me, you have to be very explicit." And honestly, I still remember his expression at that time. His disbelieve was scared me. Then he was like, "I hope you're not thinking of dating someone else right now." And again, I lied and told him I didn't.

So one night, a couple of days after my date with the Italian guy, I went out to a dinner with this French guy to sort things out between us. Obviously he was so upset because of I didn't show up at the club he was in that night. So yeah, after our deeply conversations and he told me how he loves me, I then decided to came clean about what happened that night. I mean, I felt so bad for him and when he said he loves me, I couldn't say the same. For some reasons, my lips are locked. True, as for me it wasn't easy to just say the 'L' word even though to someone I have dated for quite a while. Then of course, as you probably guess, he was furious. I knew he hurt and I feel so bad about it but I thought it was for everyone's good if I came clean sooner than later. Right?

Wrong. He, among everything else, couldn't take it easily. He, with all of the reasons he had, thought that I was playing with him, which maybe I did subconsciously but it was never my intention since a very beginning like he accused me of doing. Alright, he is a type of guy who sees life as black and white, as yes and no, as right and wrong. While in the other hand, I see life is a colorful thing as a rainbow, I consider 'maybe' is better than yes or no, I see things in two different perspectives henceforth there is nothing really wrong neither do right for me. Then of course, we had an argument that lead us to a distant. The only one thing I never consider was how bad I damage him with my attitude. I didn't know that he was hurt that bad. And I really forgot that one time when we were at a bar and he was kind of drunk, he told me that when someone f*ck him up, he will f*ck that person up ten times as bad. And I never took that as a serious statement until yesterday morning. No need to tell anything but most of you guys knew what happened yesterday and as for me woke to so many texts asking what's going on was a total shock. But when I received a text from him saying, "Enjoy.." I literally laughing out loud. I mean, even before he text me, I actually knew that it was him. I mean I used his computer so many times opening my Facebook profile before, so yeah, when it happened I just knew.

Okay, maybe everyone was like, "WTH? Why did she laugh?" Alright, can someone tell me a decent reaction to things like that, please? I mean, seriously, for me that was the gay-est thing to ever been done by a guy. And then, let me tell you something. First of all, if you guys are a kind of person who works for someone else, maybe you will find this was hard to digest. Because in this case, you were only go to work every day then pick up your salary by the end of the month. While me, am the one who make sure that everyone got their payment by the end of that month. Every business person experience missed-payments. I remember a dear friend, a very successful businessman, once said to me that he missed his payments so many times too, and that's normal. The only different between him and me was that he can find a good excuse to do so while I don't. One thing that common people might found hard to believe that the essence of business is actually OPM. Yup, Other People's Money. The good businessman is he who can build an emperor without spending any of his money. The greater you are in business the bigger debt you owe to others. So yeah, am not a perfect girl but I was never pretend to be one. In fact, in every story I wrote about myself, I tend to talked about my negative sides rather than the opposite. Am not ashamed of myself and I was never hiding anything from anyone. When am screwed I will tell. But when I didn't do anything wrong, then don't ask me to explain myself. Like yesterday, many people ask for explanation but I refused to give one. Why? Because for me friends don't ask, friends believe. So yeah, you can say that am stubborn or whatever, am not going to deny it. As a matter of fact, I am as stubborn as a donkey, so either you take me for who I am or just leave me alone. I don't mind to be alone, honestly. I love it, in fact. Am not living my life according to anyone standard but myself. Kind of selfish? Indeed.

I Know I'm not perfect

But at the end of the day

Who is? (Oohh)

(S)he wanted someone that perfect

Well Okay

But can you tell me who is?

(Oohh-oohh)

From the song 'Who Is?' by Bruno Mars

^_^

Are You Drunk?

Okay, a few days ago I said on my Facebook page that for me love was just like Jennifer Aniston's acting career - I don't get it. And yeah, I do mean it literally. Want a prove? A guy I was hang out with spilled the 'I love you' statement a couple of days ago and my reaction to it was like, "Are you drunk?" Seriously. I mean, to be honest with you guys, I was a little bit terrified when I heard those words. The 'L' word intimidated me like no others for some reasons. And I have a good explanation why did that happen to me.When I was a kid, four years old to be exact, I was fell down of my bed while my parents weren't home as they both were working at that time. According to my mum's version of story, I was actually okay but my nanny, a late sweet old lady who adore me so much - blessed her soul - went panicking. She then ran into looking for my mum as our house at that time was nearby her office, but she was happened to be in a middle of an important meeting. My mum is a tough lady who taught everyone of us (my older sister, my younger brother, and I) to not became a wimpy kids, so she was like sent my nanny back home and assured her that I was a OK. My nanny, over her love to me, couldn't take that answer and went ballistic. She went back home and said something bad in front of me. At that time I was actually fine already, but hearing her saying how my mum didn't care about me at all and how my mum didn't love me whatsoever, really was hurt my feeling. Hey, come on...I was four years old, for heaven sake!

So yeah, of curse I started to cry, cry, and cry until I can no longer cry then I collapsed. I had to stay in a hospital for a week because of that and (again) according to my mum, during those seven days, I refused my mum's existence in my room. I didn't want anyone to stay with me in hospital apart from my nanny. Of course, that was kind of made my mum sad and felt guilty, but the worst part of that drama was I started to built this wall around me just to protect myself from that kind of disappointment ever again. I then subconsciously decided to not to love anyone but myself. Selfish? Well, I don't see it that way at all. As for my defense, I was just tried to protect myself from getting hurt like what happened when I was four again. Maybe you guys don't know this, but for a kid, the damage was incredibly bad and the wound was impossible to be healed.

Then yeah, now you can understand why did I have a problem with the 'L' word, don't you? Yes, I am a damage kid. Yes, I am a weirdo. But at least, I have a good excuse for that. And every time someone say those three words to me, I freaked out. I literally don't know how to answer it hence my reaction sometime came in a wrong way and hurt people that I care about so much so many times. But I can not help myself. That was something that I can not control and manage. Maybe I need a shrink, maybe there is something wrong inside me that need to be fixed. But meanwhile, I was hoping everyone around me to be patient and help me out. Am working on healing my wound and hopefully it will get cure sooner than ever. Believe me, to not be able to love someone other than yourself was not a great feeling at all. It was kind of lame actually!

^_^

Don't Talk To Strangers

This sentence was probably so familiar for everyone, especially those who have kids as this sentence was said first to me by my mum when I was a little girl. Not so long ago that is, ha! Alright, seriously now. When I was in Grade School, both of my parents were working so they tended to abandoned me and my sister a little bit. Okay, maybe not that bad but they were always skipped picking us up of school. Back then, my dad had this guy named Karjo worked for him as a driver so this guy was the one who had the responsible to do these so called 'picking up and dropping off' kind of job. But, of course, since my beloved daddy was the boss so his needs came first. When he needed him at work, there where Karjo went. So, as a precaution act, my super mum who was the smart-ass in the family taught us on how to get home using public transportation such as buses or this thing called 'Metro Mini'. My sister and I had these note which we kept in our bags where our mum wrote the number of the buses we should take to get home in case if Karjo can not pick us up. And, she added these words at the bottom of her notes, 'Don't talk to stranger'.

So yeah, at the age of 8 and 9 years old, me and my sister were already knew how to used public transportation, can you believe that? I mean, come on...this was big! Imagine if this happened nowadays in the country such as the US, my parents would probably had to handed us to the state as they were most likely would ended up in jail for abandoning their kids, ha! But of course, this was way back when the situation was completely different with the situation we deal with today. This was when the street was still kids friendly, where less child molesters walk around and no one even think of kidnapping children just because they can. And even though I once took a wrong bus when my sister had an extra class hence I went home by myself, but that was still acceptable as I managed to undo the mistake then safely arrived home an hour late. So yeah, compared to kids nowadays, for me to be able to be an independent kid at that young age was beyond cool. But actually what makes me had no complain whatsoever was because of this certain boy, my sister's classmate who was my childhood crushed whom joined us for the ride. Honestly, I was like praying everyday for my dad to not sending Karjo to pick us up from school. I mean, I was a loner and an awkward girl back then, so this thing was my only chance to eventually talked to him. OMG, I was so lame!

Okay, enough about my childhood thingy, let us get serious for change. When a few years ago I first came to Bali, I was kind of surprised with the way people live their life here. As a girl who raised by this dogma that stranger means trouble, I found it weird when everyone here says hello to everybody on the street even though they don't know each other at all. That was like just one of those genuine things they normally done here and it was kind of overwhelming to be honest. Although at first, my then boyfriend always ended up reminding me to smile back to everyone on the street as it takes time for me to get used to this thing, but in the end I was a OK and started to be a super friendly girl just like everyone else here. I mean, I still feel weird sometime to just even smile as I don't even know who were the people I smiled to, but am adjusting alright. I even say hello back whenever someone said hello to me on the street and this was not the thing I ever think of doing before I came to Bali.

Okay, it's true that we all probably knew already that Bali lives its life from the tourism. People here depend so bad on this thing. This island has no sources of nature whatsoever hence every aspect that you could think of here was clinging to every tourist that comes to visit and spending their money here. Therefore they have to be super seriously friendly to maintain the visitors to feel like home. I remember one once said to me that if you were drunk at 3 o'clock in morning riding your bike home from the club and had an accident on the way, no need to worry as there were always someone who would be happy to help you out. First I was like, yeah-yeah...whatever. But then my ex told a story that made me realized that this was not a hoax at all. Want to hear his story?

Alright, alright...I'll tell you! Gosh, you guys are so impatient, aren't you? So here is the thing, my ex was a wild boy and a party animal type of guy before he met me. One night, his friends and him went out for a party and for some reasons they went separated. My ex ended up in this shady-shit club not knowing on how or why did he even there at first place. And it was 7 in the morning when he redeemed conscious and realized that he has got to be at work by 8.30 for a very important meeting, so he ran out to get a taxi home when he found out that he had lost his wallet and had no mobile phone with him. So yeah, there he was somewhere 40 kilometers away from home, drunk, had no money at all, and couldn't call anyone either. On top of that, he had this so called life and dead kind of meeting to attend in one and a half hours time. What a disastrous!

So, he went out to the street where bunch of taxi drivers parked up their vehicles, and of course, they tackled each other to get him using their services. For real, a drunk tourist? Perfect! But, there was this one guy who for some reasons knew that something wasn't quite alright, so he pulled my ex's hand and asked him what happened. My ex then told him his situation and guess what, the guy then politely open his taxi's door to let my ex in and took him home, wait for him to get ready, then took him to work. To make it even more amazeballs, he then told my ex to not to worry about the payment as he was always there at that shady-shit club anyway so my ex can always find him whenever he wants to pay. What a good Samaritan the guy was! He was not just saved my ex's life from who knows what would happened to him, but also helped him getting one of the biggest deals he ever had! So yeah, he then became our taxi driver for a very-very long time. Even though now am not with my ex anymore (duh...obviously!) nor even use his taxi service either, but still, we exchanged hi and how are you whenever we bumped in to each other on the street. And I became care even more and more less every time my friends who still live with the dogma that strangers are trouble look at me with their funny looks and were like, "Who are you talking to?" I then proudly say, "Him. That's taxi driver. He's a friend." 

Nope my friends, this story was not a BS at all. It actually happened and I actually learned something here. When you are not living in your town, when you are living away from home, do talk to strangers. Because when you are not home, strangers are practically all that you have. When you were like hundreds of thousands kilometers away from your family, strangers are your family at this point. So maybe we should modernized those words a little bit. Maybe we should not say 'Don't talk to strangers' anymore. Maybe we should say : 'Don't talk to strangers. Unless if you are drunk, lost your wallet, and don't have your mobile with you.' Make sense, huh?

^_^

Gong Xi Fa Cai

As on a normal Chinese new year, this morning I woke up to a heavy rain and stormy wind. Chinese believed that rain brings luck so there you go. Every year within weeks before their new year, the rain was always come. For Indonesian, as we were like so used to this situation already, it was not a surprise at all.

Regardless of the year you were born, there are certain customs and superstitions that many Chinese adhere to during the New Year. Shooting off firecrackers on Chinese New Year's Eve is the Chinese way of sending out the old year and welcoming in the new. On the stroke of midnight, every door and window in the house has to be opened to allow the old year to go out is one of the Chinese superstition they adhere to. Many people also abstain from eating meat on the first day of Chinese New Year because it is believed that this will ensure a long and happy life. Some may eat a whole fish, that represents togetherness and abundance, or a chicken with its head and feet intact, which symbolizes prosperity. Any noodles in your bowl should be left uncut, as a sign of long life. Plants and flowers also play a significant role in symbolizing rebirth and new growth. A home is thought to be lucky if a plant blooms on New Year's Day, as this foretells the start of a prosperous year.

Another Chinese superstition is that the entire house should be cleaned before New Year's Day. On New Year's Eve, all brooms, brushes, dusters, dust pans and other cleaning equipment are put away. Sweeping or dusting should not be done on New Year's Day for fear that good fortune will be swept away, which if you think about it does make some sense. After New Year's Day, the floors may be swept. Beginning at the door, the dust and rubbish are swept to the middle of the parlor, then placed in the corners and not taken or thrown out until the fifth day. At no time should the rubbish in the corners be trampled upon. In sweeping, there is a superstition that if you sweep the dirt out over the threshold, you will sweep one of the family members away. Also, to sweep the dust and dirt out of your house by the front entrance is to sweep away the good fortune of the family; it must always be swept inwards and then carried out, then no harm will follow. All dirt and rubbish must be taken out the back door.

For those most Chinese superstitious, the Almanac should be consulted to find the best time to do important things. The Almanac would tell you that if the day is a good day or bad day to have a funeral, sweep the graves of ancestors, worship the dead or move an ancestor's grave; start construction, move into a new house, visit friends or even travel north; get a haircut or cultivate plants and so on. The fact: if you follow ALL the "traditions", you will get nowhere!All debts had to be paid by this time. Nothing should be lent on this day, as anyone who does so will be lending all the year.

Everyone should refrain from using foul language and bad or unlucky words. Negative terms and the word "four", sounding like the word for death, are not to be uttered. Death and dying are never mentioned and ghost stories are totally taboo. References to the past year are also avoided as everything should be turned toward the New Year and a new beginning.

If you cry on New Year's Day, you will cry all through the year. Therefore, children are tolerated and are not spanked, even though they are mischievous. This is similar to when they run around in their Halloween costumes on that holiday and get away with it.

On New Year's Day, we are not supposed to wash our hair because it would mean we would have washed away good luck for the New Year. Red clothing is preferred during this festive occasion. Red is considered a bright, happy color, sure to bring the wearer a sunny and bright future. It is believed that appearance and attitude during New Year's sets the tone for the rest of the year. Children and unmarried friends, as well as close relatives are given little red envelopes with crisp one dollar bills inserted, for good fortune.

The first person one meets and the first words heard are significant as to what the fortunes would be for the entire year. It is a lucky sign to see or hear songbirds or red-colored birds or swallows.

It is considered unlucky to greet anyone in their bedroom so that is why everyone, even the sick, should get dressed and sit in the living room.

Do not use knives or scissors on New Year's Day as this may cut off fortune. All debts had to be paid by this time. Nothing should be lent on this day, as anyone who does so will be lending all the year.

For those most Chinese superstitious, the Almanac should be consulted to find the best time to do important things. The Almanac would tell you that if the day is a good day or bad day to have a funeral, sweep the graves of ancestors, worship the dead or move an ancestor's grave; start construction, move into a new house, visit friends or even travel north; get a haircut or cultivate plants and so on. The fact: if you follow ALL the "traditions", you will get nowhere!

And so today is the starting of the year of the dragon. Most of us are all to familiar with the classic western concept of the dragon, but not all have a great insight into probably one of the most recognised dragons, the Chinese dragon.

In Chinese mythology there are five types of dragon:-

1. Those guarding the gods and emperors
2. Those controlling the wind and rain
3. Earthly dragons which deepened the rivers and seas
4. Guardians of hidden treasure
5. The first dragon

The Chinese dragon (Lung) was a divine bringer of rain, necessary for the good of the people. Throughout Chinese history the dragon has been equated with weather. It is said that some of the worst flooding were caused when a mortal has upset a dragon. The dragon was also a symbol of the emperor whose wisdom and divine power assured the well-being of his subjects. Many legends draw connections between the dragon and the emperor. Some emperors claimed to have descended from the dragon.

In Tan dynasty, there is a famous fortuneteller enabled to do the prediction precisely on the street of the capitol city. One day, the king of Dragon, who was in charge of rain in the heaven, wanted to test how good the fortuneteller can predict. The king of Dragon disguised (transformed) himself  into an ordinary person and asked the fortuneteller that "When will it rain and how much?". The fortuneteller said "It will rain tomorrow noon for 3.3 inches." The king of Dragon was thinking, "I am the one in charge of the rain, not this fortuneteller. I will come to tear down his stand tomorrow."

Unfortunately, no sooner, the king of Dragon received the order from Jade Emperor, the emperor of gods, to rain tomorrow at noon for 3.3 inches." The king of Dragon was surprising and wasn't willing to follow this order. He postponed the raining schedule and extended the raining time. As a result, that rain caused the flood.

After the rain, the king of Dragon went to see the fortuneteller happily. But the fortuneteller said that "Don't you know you are in big trouble by disobeying the order of Jade Emperor?" The king of Dragon was completely shocked that the fortuneteller knew the true and ask for advise. The fortuneteller said general Wei of Tan dynasty  will come to see you to announce your death penalty, then he will kill you tomorrow at 45 minutes right after noon. The only chance is to ask help form the emperor of Tan dynasty. (In China, the dynasty emperor was the son of heaven).

That night, the king of Dragon entered the dream of the emperor of Tan, was on his knee to ask for help. The king of Dragon wanted the emperor of Tan to order general Wei staying in the palace tomorrow around 45 minutes after 12:00 PM.

On the next day, the emperor of Tan called general Wei in as his company in the early morning. They drank tea, visited the garden and played the chess. General Wei was kind of tired and had an nap during chess game. The emperor of Tan let him rest, because General Wei was still in his sight. After 45 minutes past noon, General Wei wake up, sweated and said about his bad dream. He said that, "The Jade Emperor called me up to the heaven. I saw a big shining golden dragon was tired up on a big column. The  Jade Emperor gave me a precious sword. He asked me to behead the king of Dragon and I did."

The emperor of Tan couldn't save the king of Dragon and very scare. He had the bad dream every night - the king of Dragon wanted the him to pay for his live. Someone suggested to let the most powerful and brave two generals, General Chin and General YuChih, standing by the bedroom door to guard the emperor all night long. Then there is no more bad dream for the emperor.

But they couldn't let General Chin and General YuChih to do the sentry job every night. So they find the painter to paint two general's portraits on the door. General Chin has pale face and General YuChih has dark face. General Chin wears tiger armor and holds a large ax and General YuChih wears lion armor and holds a metal-whip.

Therefore, people do the same way to paint the images of General Chin and General YuChih on their door as the god of door. They think the god of door can protect then from ghost or bad spirit to entering their house. Today, It's hard to find the image of god of door in the modern house. But we still can see the god of door in the temples.

Nowadays, whether you believe it or not, but this tradition became part of our lifestyle as for the astrological reading which you guys secretly read on the newspaper everyday but pretend to not being offended by it. Just like me this morning when I watched that Singaporean fortune teller lady on telly said that this year is going to be tough for my Feng Shui. I tried not to care but obviously I was a little bit intimidated. Apparently. I mean, come on...don't you guys too? But then when I read my zodiac sign on the paper this morning, it says that Aquarians will have an adventurous year in this year of the dragon hence felt a relieved. We the Aquarians will have the thrill that we were never even dared to imagine. Woo hoo! I was wondering what is it going to be? Super excited! It's not that I don't believe the fortune teller lady, but for me, I chose to believe what I want to believe and ignore the one I want to ignore. Hey, am a positive thinker so shoot me!

^_^

中国新的一年里快乐，我亲爱的朋友..Gong Xi! Gong Xi!

Sources : Wikipedia, Chinese Fortune Calendar, Fortune City, and China Town Connection.

Life Without Macallan

As you guys probably know that it was two years already since I lost my beloved little buddy Macallan who died over cyanide poison which carelessly placed by some irresponsible people targeted street dogs. Two years I lost half of my soul which die with him and I believe was taken to a pet heaven now. For anyone who didn't know who Macallan was, let me tell you how did this bonding started. Few years back when I moved to Bali following my then boyfriend, a dear friend gave us a puppy for a house warming gift. It was a super cute miniature pinscher with black and tan colors. Commonly people named those kind of colors dogs Whiskey but my then boyfriend and I had a different idea. We want his name to be specific and the first thing that came in to our mind was Macallan, a specific brand of Whiskey which my then boyfriend love and collect. Then later on I found out that Macallan was also the most expensive brand of whiskey ever made. There you go!

Ever since Macallan becoming part of our life, I found love and compassion in a different level. He was my first own dog and love was no way near to describe my feeling towards him. He was my buddy. I would rather sleep with him than with anyone else. Yeah, you can say that he was my bed warmer alright. Imagine my life after he died was beyond miserable. I literally losing grip more than I can explain when the tragedy happened as I wasn't even in the island at that time, I was in my shopping trip to Singapore when my maid called telling about the incident and seriously, I felt like I was the one who died. I was hysterical hence my then boyfriend thought that it was one of my parents who died. Yeah, that bad.

And now am remembering him in a sad way but I think am capable to move on now. This morning, a neighbor's dog came to my villa and stay with me until noon and I loved him. He was a Kintamani dog who has half wolf in his blood. So cool. He actually made me realized that maybe it's time for me to have another dog. Yeah, am so ready. Life with Macallan was awesome and for sure life after Macallan will be too if I willing to open my heart to another little buddy. I miss canoodling to a warm furry body of him. I miss his kiss every morning waking me up. I miss my Macallan.

So, as per today two years ago, I was at the Blue Ocean beach with my dear Dutchies bringing my sweet little buddy's ashes to his last journey to heaven, a pet heaven in this case. I was so grateful that I had friends to accompanied me in that such of horrible moment. I was holding to his ashes for so long just because I couldn't let him go. Until one day my landlady, a sweet Chinese lady, told me that I had to let him go so he can reach his last destination. Holding his ashes was only made his journey even more miserable and that wasn't good for him. So yeah, I then let him go.

But today, no I mean just now, when am laying down in my bed about ready to close my eyes, suddenly his image came in to my mind. The image of a guapo dog that had been with me, slept next to me for over eight years. I, for some unbelievably reasons, believe that he was somehow here with me now. I can even hear his heavy breath inhale and exhale on my ear. He is definitely here with me. Oh Macallan, how I love you! Life without you was suck!

^_^

To my Dutchies JJ, Nacer, and the Goat..thanks for being there for me!!

Welcoming 2012

Alright, for some people 2012 might going to be a disaster as they believe that world is finally come to the end following the Mayan doomsday's prediction, BUT, I personally never really buy it. I mean, yeah if I ever going to believe of anything, there are a variety of popular beliefs about the year 2012. These beliefs range from the spiritually transformative to the apocalyptic, and center upon various interpretations of the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. Contemporary scientists have disputed the apocalyptic versions. So now this leaves room for speculation. Other people say that this is the time when the sun will move from its place and relocate itself in a certain position that will enable it to serve as a gateway. This said gateway should be the gateway between two worlds. The world of the souls and the material world will meet. They say that in this faithful day, the darkness will vanish and we will leave in peace and prosperity. Another prediction is that this will be the end of the world, the end of human existence. Speculators say that this will be the day where earth faces destruction. There are so many predictions that are said to happen in 12-21-2012. One prediction claims the earth will collapse due to having collided with a black hole. Another prediction says that on this day we will experience the full effects of global warming, and all of the lands will be submerged in water and the Earth will experience another ice age just as scientists claimed that it has occurred a few millions of years ago. Others say that we will be struck by a meteor, while some say that there will be a huge earthquake and a mega tsunami. There are also those who believe that it will be a positive change as opposed to what others have claimed. They said that it will be a time for spiritual transformation. It will be the day when good finally defeats evil. They say that people will undergo a deep spiritual transformation. People will start to turn away from their misdoing and change their ways. So, what to believe?

Now here are two opposing views on this said event. Nothing is certain, no one really knows what the Mayans have predicted or what they saw. There is not even a clear view given as to why they Mayan calendar stopped on that date. One thing is clear, this ancient calendar, although old as it may seem, has resurrected itself in the midst of this modern world. It has caught the imagination of the people and caused them to panic, fear, jubilation, and wonder. With that, it truly is an amazing invention.

So guys, are you prepared for an emergency?

^_^

Problem Or Solution, Which Part Are You Of?

One of the most common misconception about love is the idea that dependency is love. I still remember when I broke up with my ex boyfriend last year, he said that he was forced to leave Bali as he couldn't stay in the island anymore if he wasn't with me and everyone looked at me as a b*tch at that time. I was seriously like confused and started to think that I actually was. I mean, it felt so wrong that I didn't even feel any guilt whatsoever for our failures. My opinion back then was that when you require another individual for your survival, you are a parasite on that individual and I refused to be one. So it's not that I wasn't felt any dependency on him at all but I protected myself from feeling one. There is a choice, a freedom involved in my definition of relationship and it is a matter of necessity rather than love. Love is a free exercise of choice. Two people love each other only when they are quite capable of living without each other but choose to live with other. So when my then boyfriend said that he couldn't bear himself living in the same town with me while we were separated, I found that a little bit unacceptable.Okay, I admitted it that I was kind of selfish and probably one of the most heartless people in the entire planet, but I won't lie and pretend that I also can not live my life without him because I totally can. Am sad for sure but I didn't have time to cry so sue me.

Okay, as M. Scott Peck wrote on his book The Road Less Traveled, I do believe that love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. Peck defines love as, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the spiritual growth of another. I seek to differentiate between love and cathexis. Cathexis is what explains attractions to the opposite sex, the instinct for cuddling pets and pinching babies' cheeks. However, cathexis is not love. All the same, true love cannot begin in isolation, a certain amount of cathexis is necessary to get sufficiently close to be able to truly love. Once through the cathexis stage, the work of love begins. It is not a feeling. It consists of what you do for another person. Love is as love does. It is about giving the other person what they need to grow. It is about truly knowing and understanding them. And that is what love does for me. So as for my defense, I chose to gave up on our relationship simply because I don't want to be a parasite for him. I have so many plans in life that I need to achieve but with him everything didn't seem that important anymore. Things are there served to me on a silver plat. And at the end of the day, I found myself lost in privileges.
"Life is difficult", was never an option when I was with him. I was never attest to the fact that life was never meant to be easy, and that it is nothing but a battlefield of problems. Taking responsibility for my problems  is perhaps the most difficult. Only by accepting the fact that I have problems  and can I solve them. An attitude of ‘I have someone to clean up my mess’ will not take me anywhere. But it was the words of Eldridge Cleaver, “If you are not part of the solution, then you are part of the problem”, hold good for me and open my eyes to eventually reached the decision to left my so called privilege life. I was at the end realized that maybe I wasn't part of the solution that we continuously had when we were together, maybe I was part of the problem, hence to solve me as a problem then I should left and gave myself and him spaces to breathe. I remember one once said to me that, "In your moment of darkness allow fresh air to fill your lungs with hope.Your spirit will do the rest. Breath." But how can someone breathe if there was another one there to block his or her view. So yeah, call me an evil because am consistently self deceiving, with the intent of avoiding guilt and maintaining a self image of perfection but as a part of solution, I also forced to made an action to saved us. Look at us now, even though I was struggling in every inch of my life and in the other hand, he still couldn't accept that we're not belong together anymore but at least we're now taking our own responsibilities in every decision we made. And there was nothing more meaningful for me than giving away my dependency on someone and started to see my life as my own. So from the four stages of spiritual development, am currently at fourth stage. It is the stage where an individual starts enjoying the mystery and beauty of nature and existence. While retaining skepticism, one starts perceiving grand patterns in nature and develops a deeper understanding of good and evil, forgiveness and mercy, compassion and love. This is the stage of loving others as yourself, losing your attachment to your ego, and forgiving your enemies. Ah, life is eventually beautiful!

^_^